#thehardtimes
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Opinion: I Believe In Traditional American Values, Which Is Why I Make My Kids Read the Bible at Gunpoint
If history has shown us anything, it's that America best exhibits its core values when done by force. The woke liberal industrial complex trying to turn our kids gay or worse, tolerant of other viewpoints, poses an existential threat to our, by which
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Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse
Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ th
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Ron DeSantis Removes Bad Brains From “Essential Hardcore” Playlist
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced last week that his state would seek to remove DC hardcore legends Bad Brains from the “Essential…
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Black Metal Parents Keep Pestering Daughter to Give Them Grandkids to Sacrifice
Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically sacrifice.
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45 Minute Presentation About the Dangers of Wokeness to Open For Upcoming Disturbed Tour
Long-running nu-metal band Disturbed surprised fans by announcing that the opener for their upcoming North America tour will be a 45 minute presentation about the “dangers of wokeness,” disheartened but unsurprised sources report.
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I Gave John Lennon the Finger Guns the Day He Died and I’ve Felt Guilty Ever Since
I have a confession. It's been eating away at me for decades. On December 8th, 1980 when I waited outside of the Dakota Apartments hoping for a glimpse of my idol. Though I wasn’t able to meet him, I was able to briefly make eye contact and fire of
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Anti-Government Conservative Adds 75th Thin Blue Line Sticker to Truck
Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny.
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President Biden Calls for National Moment of Silence for Lowered Railway Stock Price
President Biden called for a moment of silence after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals.
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What Punk Documentary Interviewee Needs You to Understand Is That at This Point Reagan Was in the White House
Prominent documentary talking head Gareth “Rubber Duck” Wayne is repeatedly reminding everyone that, at the point of the story he is telling, Ronald Reagan was in the White House.
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Support Waning for Friend in Recovery Now That He Has Six-Pack Abs
Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level.
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Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One
I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? H
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Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life
At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn't missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if m
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Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to "special favors" in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor
Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race.
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We Reached Out to a Guy Who Posted a Meme Saying He’d Help Us Pack if the American Flag Offended Us and We Gotta Admit He’s Doing a Great Job
We all know moving is the worst, and packing is maybe the worst of the worst. There was so much we needed to load up for our big move and not enough time. We decided to take a chance and ask a guy who posted a badly-compressed meme with a watermark readin
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Report: Doctor’s Standards for Alcoholism Pretty Lame
A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak as fuck.”
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Black Metal Band’s Publicity Photos Clearly Taken at Christmas Tree Farm
Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity photos were taken at a nearby Christmas tree farm, confirmed corpse painted sources.
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Convicted Oath Keepers Plead With Judge to Let Them Catch Just One Metallica, Pantera Tour Date
Members of the far-right militia group "The Oath Keepers" pleaded with a federal judge to let them attend just one date of the recently announced Metallica and Pantera tour before being jailed for participating in seditious activities during the January 6
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How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence
The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just
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We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us
The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere - and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well educ
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FDA Warns Against Viral "Kill Yourself Challenge"
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to "unalive themselves" in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.
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We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo
The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It's four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars,
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Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time
Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.
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Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media
Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You've been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it's the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put
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Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party
God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.
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Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace
A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin's fireplace after hunting him over several days.
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Hip Youth Pastor Doesn't Believe in God
Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God.
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Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs
Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on
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I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine
If you want to hear the TRUTH that the vaccine industry doesn't want YOU to know, keep reading.
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Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton's Name Hastily Scribbled on Them
The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.
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FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination
FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday.
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5 Fox News Personalities And How Each Of Them Fared In The 'Saw' Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into
Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala
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Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year
Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations' “woke politics.”
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Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!
No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!
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Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him
WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the…
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Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State
Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of
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God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented
It’s no secret that our lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.
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Top Five Southern Rock Songs To Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies
I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instgram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!
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Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch
A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard.
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Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now
Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now.
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Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero
Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.
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Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit
Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade
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Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…
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Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy
The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.
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Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal
Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.
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Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches
Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.
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You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald
By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.
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Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling
Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.
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What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump
Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou
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Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog
Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.
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Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime
Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.
