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Opinion: I Believe In Traditional American Values, Which Is Why I Make My Kids Read the Bible at Gunpoint
If history has shown us anything, it's that America best exhibits its core values when done by force. The woke liberal industrial complex trying to turn our kids gay or worse, tolerant of other viewpoints, poses an existential threat to our, by which
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Ron DeSantis Removes Bad Brains From “Essential Hardcore” Playlist
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced last week that his state would seek to remove DC hardcore legends Bad Brains from the “Essential…
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Black Metal Parents Keep Pestering Daughter to Give Them Grandkids to Sacrifice
Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically sacrifice.
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45 Minute Presentation About the Dangers of Wokeness to Open For Upcoming Disturbed Tour
Long-running nu-metal band Disturbed surprised fans by announcing that the opener for their upcoming North America tour will be a 45 minute presentation about the “dangers of wokeness,” disheartened but unsurprised sources report.
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We Sat Down With the Remaining Members of Poison, Which Turns Out Is All of Them
Whether it’s “Talk Dirty to Me,” “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” or “Nothin’ But a Good Time,” chances are you’re familiar with iconic glam rockers, Poison. The Hard Times was lucky enough to score an exclusive interview with these legends.
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I Gave John Lennon the Finger Guns the Day He Died and I’ve Felt Guilty Ever Since
I have a confession. It's been eating away at me for decades. On December 8th, 1980 when I waited outside of the Dakota Apartments hoping for a glimpse of my idol. Though I wasn’t able to meet him, I was able to briefly make eye contact and fire of
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Anti-Government Conservative Adds 75th Thin Blue Line Sticker to Truck
Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny.
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Opinion: Worshiping Satan Used To Mean Something in This Country
America is going to hell in a hand-basket, and not in a good way. These kids today don’t care about anything except Tiktok, Fortnite, and how many social media likes they get. You know what they don’t have time for anymore?
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Trump Train Visit Cold Open - SNL
Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) delivers a message to the residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following the train derailment.Saturday Night Live. Stream n...
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Most Racist Moments Compilation (not for snowflakes) #1
#familyguy #familyguyfullepisodes #familyguyfunnymoments #petergriffin #familyguydarkhumor #familyguynozoomMost Racist Moments Compilation Family Guy (n...
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President Biden Calls for National Moment of Silence for Lowered Railway Stock Price
President Biden called for a moment of silence after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals.
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Spy Balloon Cold Open - SNL
Katy Tur (Chloe Fineman) reports on the U.S. military shooting down a suspected Chinese spy balloon (Bowen Yang) with the help of a Pentagon official (Kenan ...
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Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon
WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say u
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What Punk Documentary Interviewee Needs You to Understand Is That at This Point Reagan Was in the White House
Prominent documentary talking head Gareth “Rubber Duck” Wayne is repeatedly reminding everyone that, at the point of the story he is telling, Ronald Reagan was in the White House.
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Support Waning for Friend in Recovery Now That He Has Six-Pack Abs
Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level.
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Argument - Monty Python
One of my favourite sketches from the original TV series of Monty Python's Flying Circus
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Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One
I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? H
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Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life
At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn't missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if m
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Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to "special favors" in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor
Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race.
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We Reached Out to a Guy Who Posted a Meme Saying He’d Help Us Pack if the American Flag Offended Us and We Gotta Admit He’s Doing a Great Job
We all know moving is the worst, and packing is maybe the worst of the worst. There was so much we needed to load up for our big move and not enough time. We decided to take a chance and ask a guy who posted a badly-compressed meme with a watermark readin
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Report: Doctor’s Standards for Alcoholism Pretty Lame
A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak as fuck.”
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Black Metal Band’s Publicity Photos Clearly Taken at Christmas Tree Farm
Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity photos were taken at a nearby Christmas tree farm, confirmed corpse painted sources.
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Cop Plants Pot Brownie at Rival Bake Sale
Local police officer Brad Chapman allegedly planted a pot brownie at an elementary school’s bake sale, which was competing against his station’s own fundraiser, multiple sources confirmed.
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Convicted Oath Keepers Plead With Judge to Let Them Catch Just One Metallica, Pantera Tour Date
Members of the far-right militia group "The Oath Keepers" pleaded with a federal judge to let them attend just one date of the recently announced Metallica and Pantera tour before being jailed for participating in seditious activities during the January 6
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How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence
The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just
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We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us
The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere - and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well educ
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FDA Warns Against Viral "Kill Yourself Challenge"
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to "unalive themselves" in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.
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We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo
The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It's four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars,
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Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time
Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.
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Kid dressed as Army recruiter misses candy goal by 20%
It was one big trick on the pretend Staff Sgt.
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Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl
KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, e
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Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media
Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You've been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it's the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put
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Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party
God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.
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Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace
A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin's fireplace after hunting him over several days.
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Hip Youth Pastor Doesn't Believe in God
Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God.
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Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro
- A Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro -new secret 2nd channel: https://youtu.be/DZU3T8MnAX4((( Join The Cercle:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcoDpbA4c9HQY0Aj...
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Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs
Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on
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24 Things You Don't Know About Alex Jones | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)
Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1BBill shares a few fun "facts" about right-wing radio host and conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones. Conn...
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I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine
If you want to hear the TRUTH that the vaccine industry doesn't want YOU to know, keep reading.
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Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton's Name Hastily Scribbled on Them
The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.
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FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination
FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday.
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5 Fox News Personalities And How Each Of Them Fared In The 'Saw' Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into
Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala
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Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year
Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations' “woke politics.”
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Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!
No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!
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Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him
WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the…
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Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State
Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of
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God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented
It’s no secret that our lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.
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Top Five Southern Rock Songs To Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies
I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instgram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!
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Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch
A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard.
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Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now
Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now.
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Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero
Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.
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Roe v. Wade Cold Open - SNL
After Justice Samuel Alito's leaked draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade, a flashback to 13th century England shows the exact moment three men (Benedict Cum...
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Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit
Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade
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Parodying conspiracy theories with the Birds Aren't Real movement
Sharyn Alfonsi meets the founder of Birds Aren't Real, the conspiracy theory parodying conspiracy theories.
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Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…
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Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy
The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.
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Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal
Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.
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Seat Fillers - SNL
An Oscars seat filler (Jerrod Carmichael) gets interrupted while talking to Will Smith (Chris Redd).Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://pck.t...
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Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches
Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.
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You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald
By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.
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Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence
CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setti
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Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling
Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.
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What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump
Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou
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Entitled Karens Getting Put In Their Place - REACTION
Entitled Karens Getting Put In Their Place - REACTIONSUBSCRIBE! https://bit.ly/2DxtJhMINSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/charlaychaplinTWITTER: https://twi...
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'SNL': Joe Biden blames omicron, inflation and everything else on ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’
Joe Biden, played by James Austin Johnson on "SNL," knows who's really to blame for COVID's omicron surge, inflation and more issues facing Americans.
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Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated
NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mar
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New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels
TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obvious
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We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas
Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, "giving thanks." This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is c
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Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog
Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.
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Jeanine Pirro Cold Open - SNL
Jeanine Pirro (Cecily Strong) discusses the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict and welcomes Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) to discuss Biden’s Build Back Better in...
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Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime
Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.
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Weekend Update: Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost - SNL
Sarah Sherman stops by Weekend Update to discuss her first six episodes of SNL and roasts Colin Jost.Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://pck....
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Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open - SNL
Senator Ted Cruz (Aidy Bryant) introduces his new show Cruz Street and its residents (Cecily Strong, Kyle Mooney, Pete Davidson, Alex Moffat, Mikey Day, Chri...
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Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84
Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age.
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Jordan Klepper vs. Iowans Who Think Trump Won | The Daily Show
Who was behind the Capitol insurrection? Will Trump run in 2024? Has he actually been president this whole year? Jordan Klepper heads to his first Trump rall...
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Stephen Colbert Presents: The Best Moments From 25 Years Of Fox News
Our host has been a critic of Fox News for decades, so he's uniquely qualified to present this celebration of the conservative news channel's finest on-air m...
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Bruce Springsteen Admits He Made Up the “American Working Class” During a Creative Dry Spell
Legendary musician Bruce Springsteen recently admitted that he made up the “American working class” during a creative dry spell.
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Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying
UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the
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We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”
The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore”…
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News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant
Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread.
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Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ
I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to the point where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican president Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and
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Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced
A punk mom is putting pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late.
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Trump to Honor the Brave Men and Women Who Fought During the Upcoming Holyfield/Belfort 9/11 Fight
Former president Donald Trump will commemorate the brave men and women who fought during the 9/11 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Vitor Belfort.
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Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting
This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty's talking rock botto
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We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ
Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world have grown accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their to
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Anti-Vaxxers Bring The Crazy At Public Meetings In California
The backlash against vaccine mandates was loud, proud, and downright troubling at the latest meeting of the San Diego Board of Supervisors. #Colbert #Comedy ...
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God Works in Mysterious Ways That Somehow Always Reinforce What I Want To Believe
God works in mysterious ways. That's why I don’t question God’s plan for me. I merely pick and choose from the parts of it that justify my incredibly narrow view of the world. That said, I will totally question God's plan for anyone who is e
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New Rule: The Tragedy of Trump Voters | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)
Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1BBill calls on Democrats not to write off all Trump voters as deplorable and asks Republicans to con...
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New Rule: The Big Liars | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)
Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1BUnremarkable people can get a remarkable life in Congress – and that’s what keeps the average Repub...
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White vs Mexicans BBQ | MrChuy FT The Crazy Gorilla
I, MrChuy, finally did a collab with the one and only The Crazy Gorilla! You guys all wanted it, and here it is! White Vs Mexican BBQs!! PART 2 IS NOW LIVE! ...
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Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because
Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever.
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School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles
Legendary ass-kicking institution, The School Of Hard Knocks, celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend.
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Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain
A new study confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.
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Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally
I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news
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Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations
Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.
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Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory
Your Mom is wondering if you'll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you'll be too busy with this critical race theory she keeps hearing about.
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God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing
God ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.
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Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound
Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.
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How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?
As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility that I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. But I had the idea of d
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Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks
Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers.
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National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words
Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually.
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Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work
Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful, but take it from, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get
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Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade
Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device.
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Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed
Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been
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Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash
Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute.
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Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years
Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.
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Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?
It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick $30 bucks. Whether its medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, Plasma - the portion of the blood that is used to fight disease
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How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase
Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies.
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'Blue Lives Matter' Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security
Mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for twenty minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast.
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3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life
I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here’s three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palest
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Acoustic Performer at Vaccination Site Considered Worse than Outbreak
Acoustic guitarist Harry “Wild Child” Kearns caused a mass evacuation from a local vaccine site with his terrible acoustic renditions of pop hits from the early aughts.
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That Guy From 127 Hours Cuts His Arm off and He's a Hero, I Cut My Arm off To Collect Insurance Money and I'm a "Fraud"
I can’t help but laugh at how hypocritical this country is. Everywhere I turn I see people saluting Aron Ralston as a hero just because a rock fell on his arm when he was hiking alone and he cut it off to save his own life, yet here I am fighting with m
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Billy Corgan Wakes Up, Makes Coffee, Settles In for Another Day of Writing 5-Star Smashing Pumpkins Album Reviews on Amazon
Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan made some coffee before launching into yet another day of writing 5-star reviews of his own works on Amazon.com.
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28-Year-Old Just Getting Into Skateboarding Highly Overestimating Its Sex Appeal
Local failure Max Kugler was reportedly sighted practicing his ollies at the Haledon Skate Park on Saturday night in a last-ditch effort to attract women.
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Man Waits Until Haircut Finished to Interrupt Barber’s Right-Wing Rant
A local man waited until his haircut was safely completed Thursday evening before attempting to stop to his barber’s hateful political tirade.
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Tense Introduction Between FBI and Local Police Calmed by Racist Joke
FBI Agent Dan Trolley defused a tense standoff with local police over the jurisdiction of a crime scene with a well-timed racist joke passed down to him from his law enforcement mentor
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New “Fox and Friends” Reboot to be Shot Entirely from Front Seat of Ford F-150
Producers of “Fox & Friends” will move the popular news show from its regular shooting location in Rockefeller Center to the front seat of a Ford F-150 pickup truck.
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Monty Python Royal Society For Putting Things On Top of Other Things
When I put this clip on top of YouTube in 2013, I never expected it to get so many views. Thanks to everyone who's enjoyed watching this here and liked the ...
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Jazz Drummer Holds Fork Like That Too
Clint Frenzy, the legendary jazz drummer known for his innovative yet traditional style, reportedly holds his fork the same “kind of weird” way he holds his drumsticks.
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Will One of You Liiberals Show Me How to Work a Podcast?
I don’t buy into all that PC crap, no one’s gonna tell me what I can and can’t do! Anyway, will one of you libtards help me get the O'Reilly show podcast?
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What Joining a Hate Group While Cheating on My Husband and Abusing Pills Taught Me About Writing Clickbait
At the beginning of this year my once stable life took a drastic left turn. One moment, I had it all. Then, I started having anonymous sex with married men. This led to an opioid addiction and also I joined a white pride group just to boot.
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Boomers Got the Vax - SNL
A group of boomers (Maya Rudolph, Kenan Thompson, Kate McKinnon, Aidy Bryant, Mikey Day, Chris Redd, Ego Nwodim, Melissa Villaseñor, Kyle Mooney) sing about ...
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We Sat Down With Ted Nugent Because He Thought We Were 15
So we were just sitting outside Cafe du Stefan in Jackson, Michigan waiting for our Americanos when a man who looked like he held Civil War reenactments in a honky-tonk bar grabbed a chair from the next table and sat at ours. While we would come to discov
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Small Town Scene Officially Out of People to Have Relationships With
A small punk community in central New York officially ran out of new scene members to fuck late yesterday evening.
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Cool! This Cute Little Kid Likes Stuff From the ‘80s Because His Dad Makes Him
Aww! This adorable little boy loves retro ‘80s stuff because he’s a walking monument to his dad’s crippling nostalgia!
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6 Amazing Taco Bell Hacks From My Dad’s Video Will
Fast food is all about reliability, but sometimes you crave something new and exciting. That’s why we’re sharing six mind-blowing hacks you can use to spice up your Taco Bell order, straight from my dad’s video will!
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Woman Calls Cops On Person for Not Having Home to Display Liberal Lawn Sign
Self-proclaimed activist Jane Lipton is in hot water after calling the cops on an unhoused neighbor for their inability to display an “In This House, We Believe” yard sign.
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Rush Limbaugh Emerges from Pet Sematary Unchanged
Rush Limbaugh defied all odds by emerging from the notoriously possessed Pet Sematary unchanged.
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How To Do Yoga in a Way That Worships Satan
One of the most sacred rituals a person can perform for themselves is the practice of yoga. A yogi is at one with their mind, body, and spirit. But did you know that when practicing yoga, you can also worship the Fallen Light-Bearer himself, Satan?
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Ben Shapiro Criticizes Georgia O'Keeffe Paintings for Not Looking Like Anything
Political commentator Ben Shapiro admitted today that he doesn’t like the paintings of renowned artist Georgia O’Keeffe because her works “look like absolutely nothing.”
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French Film Somehow Makes Even Less Sense With Subtitles
The French film “La Joie des Moineaux,” incomprehensible in its native language, is even more confusing for foreign viewers when watched with English subtitles.
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24-year-old to Be Tried As a Child
Local 24-year-old adult person Travis Parkes will be prosecuted in juvenile court after a judge’s ruling of, “I mean, look at this kid.”
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Man Retires From Proud Boys after Single Hug From Father
Greg Pough retired as an active member of the Proud Boys today following a three-second embrace with his father that ended with a pat on the back.
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Weekend Update: Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science - SNL
Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (Cecily Strong) stops by Weekend Update to discuss why she hung a transphobic sign outside of her office.Saturday Night Live. Str...
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Weekend Update: House Passes Biden’s Stimulus Bill - SNL
Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news, like the House passing Biden's $1.9 trillion COVID-19 stimulus bill.Saturda...
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Vaccine Game Show Cold Open - SNL
Dr. Anthony Fauci (Kate McKinnon) hosts a game show to help simplify the COVID-19 vaccine rollout.Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://bit.ly/...
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Conservatives Demand Mr. Potato Head Retain His Giant, Veiny Potato Dick
Conservatives outraged by Hasbro’s announcement that Mr. Potato Head would become gender-neutral immediately created petitions to ensure the company would not alter the toy’s giant, veiny potato dick.
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Britney Spears Cold Open - SNL
A talk show hosted by Britney Spears (Chloe Fineman) features guests Ted Cruz (Aidy Bryant), Governor Andrew Cuomo (Pete Davidson) and Gina Carano (Cecily St...
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Weekend Update: Ted Cruz Goes to Cancun - SNL
Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che tackle the week's biggest news, like New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s plans to legalize marijuana.Saturday ...
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Funniest Ben Shapiro Parody TikToks
Funniest Ben Shapiro Parody TikToksSUBSCRIBE NOW! https://bit.ly/2TOHT1Vmusical.ly,funny tiktok videis,tiktok compilations,tiktok 2020,ironic tiktok,tiktok m...
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Ted Cruz Heroically Investigates Whether Mexico Stole Heat and Sun from Texas
The senator said that he undertook the mission because he cares deeply about the current suffering of his fellow-Texans.
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Trump’s Rush Limbaugh Tribute, Biden’s Vaccine Promise & Texas Blackout Blame Game
Due to the pandemic some Catholic churches were offering drive thru and distanced experiences for the first day of Lent, Apple made a surprise announcement a...
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Conservative Pundits Fly False Flags at Half Mast in Honor of Rush Limbaugh
Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many times they mentioned false flag operations on their respective shows.
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Ted Cruz' new modified mullet | Boing Boing
Ted Cruz, US Senator from the not ashamed enough State of Texas. Cleans him us, but lets Ted keep his edge?
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House Votes to Remove Marjorie Taylor Greene from Committees: A Closer Look
Seth takes a closer look at Republicans standing by Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene as her committee assignments were stripped from her after making a series of ...
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Paul McCartney Wishes People Would Ask Him A Question About Wings Every Once in Awhile
Paul McCartney allegedly wishes someone would occasionally ask him about his time playing and performing with Wings.
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Jesus Helped Me Quit Alcohol and Now It’s Time for Me To Help Him Do the Same
When I was deep in the throes of my alcohol addiction it felt like there was no hope for me. It felt like the whole world rested on my chest and the only thing that could lift the weight was the contents of a bottle. That’s when I found a friend in Jesu
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Buffalo Horns Riot Guy roasted by Native Americans
Buffalo Hat Guy aka Horned Hat Guy became the center of many memes this month. The Native American community roasted him again and again.Hi guys! I put a pol...
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Trump spends final days just rubbing his dick on everything in White House
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the days wind down in the first and potentially only term held by President Trump, the Commander in Chief is reported to be spending his dwindling hours rubbing his penis over every possible surface in the White House.
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After Second Impeachment, Trump Begins Moving Out of White House: A Closer Look
Seth takes a closer look at a twice-impeached Trump turning against some of his closest allies as his White House gets packed up.Late Night with Seth Meyers ...
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Man Who Stormed Senate Already Back to Yelling at Skateboarders in Walmart Parking Lot
Ben Hartsock resumed his normal business of yelling at skateboarders for trespassing in a parking lot less than 24 hours after breaking into the Capitol Building.
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Bruce Springsteen Shreds - Light Of Day
On January 7, 2000 at Madison Square Garden, Springsteen fans were treated to a once of a lifetime performance of the hit song "Light of Day". Always innovat...
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Help! ICE Just Took Baby Jesus From Our Nativity Scene
This has to be some type of miscommunication. ICE just showed up at our front door. We allowed them in, of course, as we assumed…
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In Blow To Biden Transition, Trump Reveals He Has Obtained The Darksaber
WASHINGTON, DC - In a shocking upset, President Trump brought Biden's transition to a screeching halt after revealing he has obtained the legendary Darksaber. According to lore, the Darksaber gives Trump all rights of kingship over America, which can only
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Hallmark Christmas Romance Movies Set Unrealistic Expectations for Having Any Human Interaction Ever Again
Hallmark Channel’s signature Christmas-themed romance movies reportedly promote an unhealthy expectation of any kind of human interaction.
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Ben Shapiro Pulls Pants Down to Ankles Before Peeing in Urinal
Alt-right conservative commentator Ben Shapiro pulled his pants all the way down around his ankles yesterday before using the urinal in a public restroom.
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KAREN METAL
The 'I'm terrified' part was last video's winner. Here's her solo performance.Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3f6QSFuInstagram: http://instagram.com/andreantunesmu...
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Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.
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SNL's Weekend Update 12/12/20 | Saturday Night Live December 12, 2020
SNL's Weekend Update 12/12/20 | Saturday Night Live December 12, 2020#SNL#WeekendUpdate
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Dr. Fauci & Dr. Birx Cold Open - SNL
Wolf Blitzer (Beck Bennett) interviews Dr. Fauci (Kate McKinnon) and Dr. Birx (Heidi Gardner) about the newly approved COVID-19 vaccine.Saturday Night Live. ...
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Aerosmith Inducted Into Mediocre Unremarkable Middle-of-the-Road Bullshit Hall of Fame
After nearly five decades and 15 studio albums, Aerosmith will be inducted into the Mediocre Unremarkable Middle-of-the-Road Bullshit Hall of Fame.
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Chipmunks Seeking New Frontman After Alvin Carried Off by Hawk
Popular musical act Alvin and the Chipmunks are seeking a new frontman following the death of their previous lead vocalist, Alvin.
