#TheHardTimes

Entertainment | Humor

U.S. Military Considers Dropping Gender Reveal Bombs in Middle East

The Department of Defense began compiling a report this week aimed at assessing the viability of gender reveal “bombs” as effective weapons.

Entertainment | Humor

Blues Traveler Inducted Into “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame

Blues Traveler were inducted into the “Band You’re Probably Gonna Hear at Walgreens” Hall of Fame for being the most played at the pharmacy chain.

Entertainment | Humor

MAGA Patriot Stalks Man for Three Miles in Self Defense

Armed MAGA patriot Kenneth Carter spent several days tracking a man over several miles in what he claims was self defense.

Entertainment | Humor

Police Department Reminded to Not Wear White Hoods After Labor Day

Milwaukee Chief of Police Roger Brooks held a department-wide meeting today to remind his officers not to wear their white hoods after Labor Day.

Entertainment | Humor

Punk Rock Noise Machine Lets You Fall Asleep to Sound of Parents Arguing

After months of rigorous beta testing, AggroNap, a new sleep aid machine geared toward people who grew up in broken homes, is set to hit the market.

Entertainment | Humor

BREAKING: Biden Vows to Defund Itty Bitty Titty Committee

Joe Biden intends to defund the “Itty Bitty Titty Committee,” as well as provide tax credits for Americans sporting C-cup “over the shoulder boulder holders” or better.

Entertainment | Humor

RNC Picks Up Coveted TruckNutz Sponsorship

The fourth night of the Republican National Convention will feature wall-to-wall advertising from their new exclusive sponsor, TruckNutz.

Entertainment | Humor

City Excited to Use Funds From Defunded Police to Build New Highway Through Black Neighborhood

Money diverted from the Seattle Police Department to fund a new highway initiative that would be located in the heart of the historically-Black Central District.

Entertainment | Humor

Keith Richards Snorts All 10 Sauces During "Hot Ones" Appearance

Legendary Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards took the popular interview show “Hot Ones” to a new level by snorting all 10 sauces in rapid succession.

Entertainment | Humor

Klan Member Suddenly Opposed to Wearing Shitty Homemade Masks

Local Klan member and conservative activist David Mount changed his views on wearing “silly little masks” in public following recent stay-at-home orders.

Entertainment | Humor

Sobbing Eric Trump Chokes Down Seventh Can of Goya Beans

Eric Trump choked down a seventh consecutive can of Goya beans this morning after a week of binging the brand’s products to garner support from his father.

Entertainment | Humor

New Employee Too Afraid to Take Sick Day Gives Entire Office Coronavirus

Junior designer Lewis Cooper accidentally contaminated his entire office with the deadly coronavirus, thanks to his fear of calling in sick and losing his job.

Entertainment | Humor

A Comprehensive Guide of What You’re Allowed to Wear When Fighting Fascism

When fighting for a cause it’s important to keep ourselves in check. We must ask one another important questions like, “How are we affecting real…

Entertainment | Humor

Punk Carolers Regretting Decision to Sing “Last Caress”

Punk Christmas carolers regretted their choice to include The Misfits’ classic “Last Caress” after it was met with a mix of disgust and horror.

Entertainment | Humor

GG Allin Hologram to Throw Feces at Coachella

A revolutionary new hologram of GG Allin will chuck his feces directly into the Coachella crowd.

Entertainment | Humor

Punk Assures Friends New Boyfriend More Fucked up Than He Appears

Local punk Kelsey Hernandez insisted yet again today that her new, non-punk boyfriend is “more of a loose cannon than he appears.”

Music | Music

What if Beto O'Rourke Ran America Like Ian MacKaye Runs Dischord Records?

By now you’ve probably heard all about the fabulous piece on Beto O’Rourke that was published in Vanity Fair a couple of days ago. In...

Entertainment | Humor

Opinion: All Cops Are Bastards but Not All Bastards Are Cops

Travel the world and judge every individual you meet within two minutes of meeting them. You’ll find there are a lot more bastards that you thought!

Entertainment | Humor

Hungover Replacements Horrified to Learn Band Had 40-Year Run

Former members of The Replacements learned, upon finally sobering up after decades of heavy drinking, that their band’s legacy now spans nearly 40 years.