#TheHardTimes
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5 Fox News Personalities And How Each Of Them Fared In The 'Saw' Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into
Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala
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Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year
Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations' “woke politics.”
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Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!
No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!
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Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him
WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the…
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Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State
Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of
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God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented
It’s no secret that our lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.
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Top Five Southern Rock Songs To Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies
I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instgram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!
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Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch
A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard.
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Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now
Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now.
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Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero
Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.
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Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit
Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade
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Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…
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Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy
The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.
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Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal
Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.
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Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches
Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.
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You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald
By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.
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Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling
Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.
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What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump
Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou
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Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog
Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.
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Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime
Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.
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Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84
Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age.
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Bruce Springsteen Admits He Made Up the “American Working Class” During a Creative Dry Spell
Legendary musician Bruce Springsteen recently admitted that he made up the “American working class” during a creative dry spell.
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We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”
The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore”…
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News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant
Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread.
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Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ
I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to the point where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican president Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and
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Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced
A punk mom is putting pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late.
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Trump to Honor the Brave Men and Women Who Fought During the Upcoming Holyfield/Belfort 9/11 Fight
Former president Donald Trump will commemorate the brave men and women who fought during the 9/11 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Vitor Belfort.
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Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting
This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty's talking rock botto
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We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ
Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world have grown accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their to
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God Works in Mysterious Ways That Somehow Always Reinforce What I Want To Believe
God works in mysterious ways. That's why I don’t question God’s plan for me. I merely pick and choose from the parts of it that justify my incredibly narrow view of the world. That said, I will totally question God's plan for anyone who is e
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Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because
Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever.
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School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles
Legendary ass-kicking institution, The School Of Hard Knocks, celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend.
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Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain
A new study confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.
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Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally
I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news
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Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations
Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.
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Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory
Your Mom is wondering if you'll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you'll be too busy with this critical race theory she keeps hearing about.
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God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing
God ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.
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Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound
Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.
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How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?
As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility that I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. But I had the idea of d
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Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks
Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers.
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National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words
Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually.
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Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work
Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful, but take it from, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get
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Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade
Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device.
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Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed
Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been
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Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash
Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute.
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Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years
Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.
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Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?
It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick $30 bucks. Whether its medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, Plasma - the portion of the blood that is used to fight disease
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How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase
Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies.
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'Blue Lives Matter' Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security
Mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for twenty minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast.
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3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life
I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here’s three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palest
