#Satire

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Roe v. Wade Cold Open - SNL

After Justice Samuel Alito's leaked draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade, a flashback to 13th century England shows the exact moment three men (Benedict Cum...

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Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit

Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade

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Parodying conspiracy theories with the Birds Aren't Real movement

Sharyn Alfonsi meets the founder of Birds Aren't Real, the conspiracy theory parodying conspiracy theories.

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Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter

SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…

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Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy

The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.

Humor | Humor

Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal

Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.

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Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches

Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.

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You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald

By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.

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Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence

CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setti

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Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling

Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.

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What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump

Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou

Politics | Politics

Biden's Supreme Court Pick Sexually Assaulted Me 25 Years Ago

The news that Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is retiring is still fresh. He won’t even officially retire until October, and the Biden administration will likely spend months vetting potent...

Politics | Politics

Every Progressive Fundraising E-Mail This Weekend | National Review

Diversity is our strength. But unless we are united, that diversity is meaningless.

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'SNL': Joe Biden blames omicron, inflation and everything else on ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’

Joe Biden, played by James Austin Johnson on "SNL," knows who's really to blame for COVID's omicron surge, inflation and more issues facing Americans.

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Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated

NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mar

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New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels

TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obvious

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We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas

Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, "giving thanks." This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is c

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Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog

Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.

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Jeanine Pirro Cold Open - SNL

Jeanine Pirro (Cecily Strong) discusses the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict and welcomes Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) to discuss Biden’s Build Back Better in...

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Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime

Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.

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Aaron Rodgers Beats Fiancée, Murders A Few Guys On The Street So NFL Will Embrace Him Again

GREEN BAY, WI - Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers stirred up controversy last week when it was discovered that instead of taking the safe and effective Covid vaccine, like all the other NFL players, he had immunized himself by drinking a pint of

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Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84

Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age.

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Bruce Springsteen Admits He Made Up the “American Working Class” During a Creative Dry Spell

Legendary musician Bruce Springsteen recently admitted that he made up the “American working class” during a creative dry spell.

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Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying

UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the

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We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”

The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore”…

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News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant

Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread.

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Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ

I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to the point where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican president Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and

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Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced

A punk mom is putting pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late.

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Trump to Honor the Brave Men and Women Who Fought During the Upcoming Holyfield/Belfort 9/11 Fight

Former president Donald Trump will commemorate the brave men and women who fought during the 9/11 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Vitor Belfort.

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Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting

This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty's talking rock botto

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We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ

Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world have grown accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their to

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God Works in Mysterious Ways That Somehow Always Reinforce What I Want To Believe

God works in mysterious ways. That's why I don’t question God’s plan for me. I merely pick and choose from the parts of it that justify my incredibly narrow view of the world. That said, I will totally question God's plan for anyone who is e

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Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because

Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever.

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School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles

Legendary ass-kicking institution, The School Of Hard Knocks, celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend.

Science & Technology | Science & Technology

Artist Is Mocking The Stupidity Of Modern Technology In His Funny Comics (28 New Pics)

We all take the age of computers for granted, but hey, why don't we all laugh at it for a bit? Meet System32Comics, the C++-approved tech webcomics for your inner nerd.

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Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain

A new study confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.

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Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally

I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news

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Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations

Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.

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Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory

Your Mom is wondering if you'll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you'll be too busy with this critical race theory she keeps hearing about.

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God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing

God ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.

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Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound

Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.

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How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?

As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility that I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. But I had the idea of d

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Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks

Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers.

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National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words

Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually.

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Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work

Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful, but take it from, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get

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Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade

Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device.

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Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed

Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been

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Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash

Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute.

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Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years

Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.

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Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?

It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick $30 bucks. Whether its medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, Plasma - the portion of the blood that is used to fight disease

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How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase

Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies.

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'Blue Lives Matter' Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security

Mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for twenty minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast.

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3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life

I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here’s three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palest

Advice & Self-Help | Advice & Self-Help

Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber - Famadillo.com

Yes, Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is a real book.  Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is the fun story about a woman and her beaver. Nothing more. Please

Politics | Politics

Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education

“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.

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AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel - The Mideast Beast

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat

Humor | Political Humor

Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, lik

Humor | Political Humor

How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy

The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the nationa

Politics | Politics

Nation's Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapo

Politics | Politics

The Honkley Meme is a symbol of white supremacy - NPC Daily

Despite what you may have heard from alt-right hate mongers like Tim Pool and Paul Joseph Watson, clowns are indeed a symbol of racism and white supremacy. And it’s not just that weird toad thing the SPLC-designated hate group Four Chan has named “Hon

Entertainment | Entertainment

12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine | Mental Floss

As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down.

Humor | Political Humor

WATCH: Ben Shapiro Finally 'Interviews' Ocasio-Cortez | Daily Wire

Fresh off the hysteria over a conservative media personality posting an obviously satirical fake interview with Democratic candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Daily Wire Editor-in-Chief Ben Shapiro posted an obviously satirical fake interview with America

Humor | Political Humor

WALSH: Mankind Will Be Extinct Within 50 Years If We Do Not Abolish Plastic Straws

I thought I had witnessed the zenith of human courage when Billy Joel recently announced in an interview that "Nazis aren't good people." Joel is risking his career, perhaps even his li

Politics | The Hall of Idiots

Ocasio-Cortez Responds To Parody Video Mocking Her. She Gets Crushed.

Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a hilarious parody video produced by CRTV that mocked her as lacking intelligence and being willing to mislead people.

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Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Entertainment | Movies & Other Stuff

'SNL' Has Never Been More Popular and Less Fun

Everyone is watching to see how the show takes on Donald Trump, and it’s been a real slog.

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Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

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Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times | The Onion - America's Finest News So

SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.

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Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

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Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

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Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow.

Entertainment | Entertainment

Princess Leia Walks Around NYC, Gets Harassed by Everyone From Yoda to Darth Vader | Adweek

The universe was shaken when we watched hidden-camera footage of a woman walking around NYC and getting harassed. Then we saw what happens when a white man suffers the same fate. Now, in the latest parody of the Hollaback!

Humor | Humor

Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever | The Onion - America's Fi

DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music f...

Humor | Funny Stuff

22 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In The South

It's more than a region, it's a state of mind.

Humor | Humor

Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed.

Politics | Interesting Links

Andrew Klavan: Democrats at War

In which our host, Andrew Klavan, discusses the lies, double-speak, failures and foibles of Democrats at War. TRANSCRIPT: RT - DEMOCRATS AT WAR! I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth! Today, in a Revolting Truth special, we bring you a story

Humor | Humor

Watchdog: Obstructionist Israel Plans to Continue Existing –...

The report calls on Netanyahu to negotiate the complete relinquishing of all Israeli territory in good faith.

Business & Finance | Advertising/Marketing

Zany, Boozy 'Mad Men'-Era Illustrations by Virgil Partch

After the last few years of watching sad-bastard mid-century businessmen get hammered on Mad Men, the new collection of Virgil Partch's illustrations from roughly the same period, Cork High and Bot...