#Satire
Humor | Humor
Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One
I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? H
Humor | Humor
Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life
At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn't missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if m
Humor | Humor
Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to "special favors" in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor
Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race.
Humor | Humor
We Reached Out to a Guy Who Posted a Meme Saying He’d Help Us Pack if the American Flag Offended Us and We Gotta Admit He’s Doing a Great Job
We all know moving is the worst, and packing is maybe the worst of the worst. There was so much we needed to load up for our big move and not enough time. We decided to take a chance and ask a guy who posted a badly-compressed meme with a watermark readin
Humor | Humor
Report: Doctor’s Standards for Alcoholism Pretty Lame
A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak as fuck.”
Humor | Humor
Black Metal Band’s Publicity Photos Clearly Taken at Christmas Tree Farm
Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity photos were taken at a nearby Christmas tree farm, confirmed corpse painted sources.
Humor | Humor
Cop Plants Pot Brownie at Rival Bake Sale
Local police officer Brad Chapman allegedly planted a pot brownie at an elementary school’s bake sale, which was competing against his station’s own fundraiser, multiple sources confirmed.
Humor | Humor
Convicted Oath Keepers Plead With Judge to Let Them Catch Just One Metallica, Pantera Tour Date
Members of the far-right militia group "The Oath Keepers" pleaded with a federal judge to let them attend just one date of the recently announced Metallica and Pantera tour before being jailed for participating in seditious activities during the January 6
Humor | Humor
How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence
The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just
Humor | Humor
We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us
The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere - and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well educ
Humor | Humor
FDA Warns Against Viral "Kill Yourself Challenge"
The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to "unalive themselves" in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.
Humor | Humor
We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo
The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It's four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars,
Humor | Humor
Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time
Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.
Humor | Humor
Kid dressed as Army recruiter misses candy goal by 20%
It was one big trick on the pretend Staff Sgt.
Humor | Humor
Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl
KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, e
Humor | Humor
Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media
Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You've been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it's the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put
Humor | Humor
Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party
God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.
Humor | Humor
Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace
A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin's fireplace after hunting him over several days.
Humor | Humor
Hip Youth Pastor Doesn't Believe in God
Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God.
Humor | Humor
Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro
- A Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro -new secret 2nd channel: https://youtu.be/DZU3T8MnAX4((( Join The Cercle:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcoDpbA4c9HQY0Aj...
Humor | Humor
Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs
Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on
Humor | Humor
I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine
If you want to hear the TRUTH that the vaccine industry doesn't want YOU to know, keep reading.
Humor | Humor
Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton's Name Hastily Scribbled on Them
The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.
Humor | Humor
FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination
FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday.
Humor | Humor
5 Fox News Personalities And How Each Of Them Fared In The 'Saw' Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into
Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala
Humor | Humor
Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year
Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations' “woke politics.”
Humor | Humor
Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!
No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!
Humor | Humor
Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him
WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the…
Humor | Humor
Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State
Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of
Humor | Humor
God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented
It’s no secret that our lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.
Humor | Humor
Top Five Southern Rock Songs To Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies
I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instgram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!
Humor | Humor
Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch
A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard.
Humor | Humor
Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now
Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now.
Humor | Humor
Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero
Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.
Humor | Humor
Roe v. Wade Cold Open - SNL
After Justice Samuel Alito's leaked draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade, a flashback to 13th century England shows the exact moment three men (Benedict Cum...
Humor | Humor
Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit
Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade
Humor | Humor
Parodying conspiracy theories with the Birds Aren't Real movement
Sharyn Alfonsi meets the founder of Birds Aren't Real, the conspiracy theory parodying conspiracy theories.
Humor | Humor
Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…
Humor | Humor
Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy
The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.
Humor | Humor
Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal
Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.
Humor | Humor
Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches
Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.
Humor | Humor
You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald
By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.
Humor | Humor
Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence
CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setti
Humor | Humor
Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling
Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.
Humor | Humor
What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump
Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou
Politics | Politics
Biden's Supreme Court Pick Sexually Assaulted Me 25 Years Ago
The news that Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is retiring is still fresh. He won’t even officially retire until October, and the Biden administration will likely spend months vetting potent...
Politics | Politics
Every Progressive Fundraising E-Mail This Weekend | National Review
Diversity is our strength. But unless we are united, that diversity is meaningless.
Humor | Humor
'SNL': Joe Biden blames omicron, inflation and everything else on ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’
Joe Biden, played by James Austin Johnson on "SNL," knows who's really to blame for COVID's omicron surge, inflation and more issues facing Americans.
Humor | Humor
Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated
NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mar
Humor | Humor
New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels
TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obvious
Humor | Humor
Aaron Rodgers Beats Fiancée, Murders A Few Guys On The Street So NFL Will Embrace Him Again
GREEN BAY, WI - Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers stirred up controversy last week when it was discovered that instead of taking the safe and effective Covid vaccine, like all the other NFL players, he had immunized himself by drinking a pint of
Science & Technology | Science & Technology
Artist Is Mocking The Stupidity Of Modern Technology In His Funny Comics (28 New Pics)
We all take the age of computers for granted, but hey, why don't we all laugh at it for a bit? Meet System32Comics, the C++-approved tech webcomics for your inner nerd.
Advice & Self-Help | Advice & Self-Help
Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber - Famadillo.com
Yes, Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is a real book. Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is the fun story about a woman and her beaver. Nothing more. Please
Politics | Politics
Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.
Humor | Funny Stuff
Senator Hirono Demands ACB Be Weighed Against A Duck To See If She Is A Witch | The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
Humor | Humor
AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel - The Mideast Beast
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat
Humor | Political Humor
Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]
The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, lik
Humor | Political Humor
How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy
The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the nationa
Politics | Politics
Nation's Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapo
Politics | Politics
The Honkley Meme is a symbol of white supremacy - NPC Daily
Despite what you may have heard from alt-right hate mongers like Tim Pool and Paul Joseph Watson, clowns are indeed a symbol of racism and white supremacy. And it’s not just that weird toad thing the SPLC-designated hate group Four Chan has named “Hon
Entertainment | Entertainment
12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine | Mental Floss
As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down.
Humor | Political Humor
WATCH: Ben Shapiro Finally 'Interviews' Ocasio-Cortez | Daily Wire
Fresh off the hysteria over a conservative media personality posting an obviously satirical fake interview with Democratic candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Daily Wire Editor-in-Chief Ben Shapiro posted an obviously satirical fake interview with America
Humor | Political Humor
WALSH: Mankind Will Be Extinct Within 50 Years If We Do Not Abolish Plastic Straws
I thought I had witnessed the zenith of human courage when Billy Joel recently announced in an interview that "Nazis aren't good people." Joel is risking his career, perhaps even his li
Politics | The Hall of Idiots
Ocasio-Cortez Responds To Parody Video Mocking Her. She Gets Crushed.
Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a hilarious parody video produced by CRTV that mocked her as lacking intelligence and being willing to mislead people.
Humor | Humor
Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.
Entertainment | Movies & Other Stuff
'SNL' Has Never Been More Popular and Less Fun
Everyone is watching to see how the show takes on Donald Trump, and it’s been a real slog.
Humor | Humor
Sean Spicer is Trump's dad in a 'Daily Show' parody of that BBC video
How'd he get in there?
Food & Drink | Chicago Food & Drink
‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted - The On
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
Humor | Humor
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times | The Onion - America's Finest News So
SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.
Humor | Humor
Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...
Humor | Humor
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
Humor | Humor
Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow.
Entertainment | Entertainment
Princess Leia Walks Around NYC, Gets Harassed by Everyone From Yoda to Darth Vader | Adweek
The universe was shaken when we watched hidden-camera footage of a woman walking around NYC and getting harassed. Then we saw what happens when a white man suffers the same fate. Now, in the latest parody of the Hollaback!
Humor | Humor
Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever | The Onion - America's Fi
DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music f...
Humor | Funny Stuff
22 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In The South
It's more than a region, it's a state of mind.
Humor | Humor
Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed.
Politics | Interesting Links
Andrew Klavan: Democrats at War
In which our host, Andrew Klavan, discusses the lies, double-speak, failures and foibles of Democrats at War. TRANSCRIPT: RT - DEMOCRATS AT WAR! I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth! Today, in a Revolting Truth special, we bring you a story
Humor | Humor
Watchdog: Obstructionist Israel Plans to Continue Existing –...
The report calls on Netanyahu to negotiate the complete relinquishing of all Israeli territory in good faith.
Business & Finance | Advertising/Marketing
Zany, Boozy 'Mad Men'-Era Illustrations by Virgil Partch
After the last few years of watching sad-bastard mid-century businessmen get hammered on Mad Men, the new collection of Virgil Partch's illustrations from roughly the same period, Cork High and Bot...
