#Satire
Humor | Humor
Roe v. Wade Cold Open - SNL
After Justice Samuel Alito's leaked draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade, a flashback to 13th century England shows the exact moment three men (Benedict Cum...
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Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit
Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade
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Parodying conspiracy theories with the Birds Aren't Real movement
Sharyn Alfonsi meets the founder of Birds Aren't Real, the conspiracy theory parodying conspiracy theories.
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Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter
SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…
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Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy
The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.
Humor | Humor
Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal
Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.
Humor | Humor
Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches
Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.
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You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald
By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.
Humor | Humor
Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence
CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setti
Humor | Humor
Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling
Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.
Humor | Humor
What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump
Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou
Politics | Politics
Biden's Supreme Court Pick Sexually Assaulted Me 25 Years Ago
The news that Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is retiring is still fresh. He won’t even officially retire until October, and the Biden administration will likely spend months vetting potent...
Politics | Politics
Every Progressive Fundraising E-Mail This Weekend | National Review
Diversity is our strength. But unless we are united, that diversity is meaningless.
Humor | Humor
'SNL': Joe Biden blames omicron, inflation and everything else on ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’
Joe Biden, played by James Austin Johnson on "SNL," knows who's really to blame for COVID's omicron surge, inflation and more issues facing Americans.
Humor | Humor
Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated
NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mar
Humor | Humor
New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels
TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obvious
Humor | Humor
We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas
Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, "giving thanks." This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is c
Humor | Humor
Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog
Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.
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Jeanine Pirro Cold Open - SNL
Jeanine Pirro (Cecily Strong) discusses the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict and welcomes Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) to discuss Biden’s Build Back Better in...
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Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime
Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.
Humor | Humor
Aaron Rodgers Beats Fiancée, Murders A Few Guys On The Street So NFL Will Embrace Him Again
GREEN BAY, WI - Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers stirred up controversy last week when it was discovered that instead of taking the safe and effective Covid vaccine, like all the other NFL players, he had immunized himself by drinking a pint of
Humor | Humor
Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84
Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age.
Humor | Humor
Bruce Springsteen Admits He Made Up the “American Working Class” During a Creative Dry Spell
Legendary musician Bruce Springsteen recently admitted that he made up the “American working class” during a creative dry spell.
Humor | Humor
Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying
UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the
Humor | Humor
We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”
The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore”…
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News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant
Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread.
Humor | Humor
Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ
I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to the point where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican president Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and
Humor | Humor
Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced
A punk mom is putting pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late.
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Trump to Honor the Brave Men and Women Who Fought During the Upcoming Holyfield/Belfort 9/11 Fight
Former president Donald Trump will commemorate the brave men and women who fought during the 9/11 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Vitor Belfort.
Humor | Humor
Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting
This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty's talking rock botto
Humor | Humor
We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ
Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world have grown accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their to
Humor | Humor
God Works in Mysterious Ways That Somehow Always Reinforce What I Want To Believe
God works in mysterious ways. That's why I don’t question God’s plan for me. I merely pick and choose from the parts of it that justify my incredibly narrow view of the world. That said, I will totally question God's plan for anyone who is e
Humor | Humor
Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because
Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever.
Humor | Humor
School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles
Legendary ass-kicking institution, The School Of Hard Knocks, celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend.
Science & Technology | Science & Technology
Artist Is Mocking The Stupidity Of Modern Technology In His Funny Comics (28 New Pics)
We all take the age of computers for granted, but hey, why don't we all laugh at it for a bit? Meet System32Comics, the C++-approved tech webcomics for your inner nerd.
Humor | Humor
Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain
A new study confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.
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Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally
I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news
Humor | Humor
Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations
Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.
Humor | Humor
Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory
Your Mom is wondering if you'll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you'll be too busy with this critical race theory she keeps hearing about.
Humor | Humor
God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing
God ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.
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Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound
Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.
Humor | Humor
How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?
As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility that I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. But I had the idea of d
Humor | Humor
Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks
Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers.
Humor | Humor
National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words
Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually.
Humor | Humor
Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work
Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful, but take it from, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get
Humor | Humor
Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade
Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device.
Humor | Humor
Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed
Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been
Humor | Humor
Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash
Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute.
Humor | Humor
Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years
Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.
Humor | Humor
Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?
It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick $30 bucks. Whether its medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, Plasma - the portion of the blood that is used to fight disease
Humor | Humor
How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase
Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies.
Humor | Humor
'Blue Lives Matter' Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security
Mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for twenty minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast.
Humor | Humor
3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life
I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here’s three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palest
Advice & Self-Help | Advice & Self-Help
Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber - Famadillo.com
Yes, Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is a real book. Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is the fun story about a woman and her beaver. Nothing more. Please
Politics | Politics
Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.
Humor | Funny Stuff
Senator Hirono Demands ACB Be Weighed Against A Duck To See If She Is A Witch | The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
Humor | Humor
AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel - The Mideast Beast
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat
Humor | Political Humor
Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]
The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, lik
Humor | Political Humor
How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy
The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the nationa
Politics | Politics
Nation's Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapo
Politics | Politics
The Honkley Meme is a symbol of white supremacy - NPC Daily
Despite what you may have heard from alt-right hate mongers like Tim Pool and Paul Joseph Watson, clowns are indeed a symbol of racism and white supremacy. And it’s not just that weird toad thing the SPLC-designated hate group Four Chan has named “Hon
Entertainment | Entertainment
12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine | Mental Floss
As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down.
Humor | Political Humor
WATCH: Ben Shapiro Finally 'Interviews' Ocasio-Cortez | Daily Wire
Fresh off the hysteria over a conservative media personality posting an obviously satirical fake interview with Democratic candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Daily Wire Editor-in-Chief Ben Shapiro posted an obviously satirical fake interview with America
Humor | Political Humor
WALSH: Mankind Will Be Extinct Within 50 Years If We Do Not Abolish Plastic Straws
I thought I had witnessed the zenith of human courage when Billy Joel recently announced in an interview that "Nazis aren't good people." Joel is risking his career, perhaps even his li
Politics | The Hall of Idiots
Ocasio-Cortez Responds To Parody Video Mocking Her. She Gets Crushed.
Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a hilarious parody video produced by CRTV that mocked her as lacking intelligence and being willing to mislead people.
Humor | Humor
Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.
Entertainment | Movies & Other Stuff
'SNL' Has Never Been More Popular and Less Fun
Everyone is watching to see how the show takes on Donald Trump, and it’s been a real slog.
Humor | Humor
Sean Spicer is Trump's dad in a 'Daily Show' parody of that BBC video
How'd he get in there?
Food & Drink | Chicago Food & Drink
‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted - The On
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
Humor | Humor
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times | The Onion - America's Finest News So
SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.
Humor | Humor
Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...
Humor | Humor
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
Humor | Humor
Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow.
Entertainment | Entertainment
Princess Leia Walks Around NYC, Gets Harassed by Everyone From Yoda to Darth Vader | Adweek
The universe was shaken when we watched hidden-camera footage of a woman walking around NYC and getting harassed. Then we saw what happens when a white man suffers the same fate. Now, in the latest parody of the Hollaback!
Humor | Humor
Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever | The Onion - America's Fi
DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music f...
Humor | Funny Stuff
22 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In The South
It's more than a region, it's a state of mind.
Humor | Humor
Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed.
Politics | Interesting Links
Andrew Klavan: Democrats at War
In which our host, Andrew Klavan, discusses the lies, double-speak, failures and foibles of Democrats at War. TRANSCRIPT: RT - DEMOCRATS AT WAR! I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth! Today, in a Revolting Truth special, we bring you a story
Humor | Humor
Watchdog: Obstructionist Israel Plans to Continue Existing –...
The report calls on Netanyahu to negotiate the complete relinquishing of all Israeli territory in good faith.
Business & Finance | Advertising/Marketing
Zany, Boozy 'Mad Men'-Era Illustrations by Virgil Partch
After the last few years of watching sad-bastard mid-century businessmen get hammered on Mad Men, the new collection of Virgil Partch's illustrations from roughly the same period, Cork High and Bot...
