#Satire
Humor | Humor
Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because
Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever.
Humor | Humor
School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles
Legendary ass-kicking institution, The School Of Hard Knocks, celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend.
Science & Technology | Science & Technology
Artist Is Mocking The Stupidity Of Modern Technology In His Funny Comics (28 New Pics)
We all take the age of computers for granted, but hey, why don't we all laugh at it for a bit? Meet System32Comics, the C++-approved tech webcomics for your inner nerd.
Humor | Humor
Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain
A new study confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.
Humor | Humor
Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally
I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news
Humor | Humor
Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations
Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.
Humor | Humor
Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory
Your Mom is wondering if you'll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you'll be too busy with this critical race theory she keeps hearing about.
Humor | Humor
God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing
God ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.
Humor | Humor
Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound
Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.
Humor | Humor
How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?
As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility that I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. But I had the idea of d
Humor | Humor
Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks
Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers.
Humor | Humor
National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words
Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually.
Humor | Humor
Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work
Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful, but take it from, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get
Humor | Humor
Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade
Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device.
Humor | Humor
Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed
Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been
Humor | Humor
Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash
Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute.
Humor | Humor
Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years
Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.
Humor | Humor
Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?
It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick $30 bucks. Whether its medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, Plasma - the portion of the blood that is used to fight disease
Humor | Humor
How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase
Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies.
Humor | Humor
'Blue Lives Matter' Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security
Mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for twenty minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast.
Humor | Humor
3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life
I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here’s three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palest
Humor | Humor
Acoustic Performer at Vaccination Site Considered Worse than Outbreak
Acoustic guitarist Harry “Wild Child” Kearns caused a mass evacuation from a local vaccine site with his terrible acoustic renditions of pop hits from the early aughts.
Humor | Humor
That Guy From 127 Hours Cuts His Arm off and He's a Hero, I Cut My Arm off To Collect Insurance Money and I'm a "Fraud"
I can’t help but laugh at how hypocritical this country is. Everywhere I turn I see people saluting Aron Ralston as a hero just because a rock fell on his arm when he was hiking alone and he cut it off to save his own life, yet here I am fighting with m
Humor | Humor
Billy Corgan Wakes Up, Makes Coffee, Settles In for Another Day of Writing 5-Star Smashing Pumpkins Album Reviews on Amazon
Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan made some coffee before launching into yet another day of writing 5-star reviews of his own works on Amazon.com.
Humor | Humor
28-Year-Old Just Getting Into Skateboarding Highly Overestimating Its Sex Appeal
Local failure Max Kugler was reportedly sighted practicing his ollies at the Haledon Skate Park on Saturday night in a last-ditch effort to attract women.
Humor | Humor
Man Waits Until Haircut Finished to Interrupt Barber’s Right-Wing Rant
A local man waited until his haircut was safely completed Thursday evening before attempting to stop to his barber’s hateful political tirade.
Humor | Humor
Tense Introduction Between FBI and Local Police Calmed by Racist Joke
FBI Agent Dan Trolley defused a tense standoff with local police over the jurisdiction of a crime scene with a well-timed racist joke passed down to him from his law enforcement mentor
Humor | Humor
New “Fox and Friends” Reboot to be Shot Entirely from Front Seat of Ford F-150
Producers of “Fox & Friends” will move the popular news show from its regular shooting location in Rockefeller Center to the front seat of a Ford F-150 pickup truck.
Humor | Humor
Jazz Drummer Holds Fork Like That Too
Clint Frenzy, the legendary jazz drummer known for his innovative yet traditional style, reportedly holds his fork the same “kind of weird” way he holds his drumsticks.
Humor | Humor
Will One of You Liiberals Show Me How to Work a Podcast?
I don’t buy into all that PC crap, no one’s gonna tell me what I can and can’t do! Anyway, will one of you libtards help me get the O'Reilly show podcast?
Humor | Humor
What Joining a Hate Group While Cheating on My Husband and Abusing Pills Taught Me About Writing Clickbait
At the beginning of this year my once stable life took a drastic left turn. One moment, I had it all. Then, I started having anonymous sex with married men. This led to an opioid addiction and also I joined a white pride group just to boot.
Humor | Humor
We Sat Down With Ted Nugent Because He Thought We Were 15
So we were just sitting outside Cafe du Stefan in Jackson, Michigan waiting for our Americanos when a man who looked like he held Civil War reenactments in a honky-tonk bar grabbed a chair from the next table and sat at ours. While we would come to discov
Humor | Humor
Small Town Scene Officially Out of People to Have Relationships With
A small punk community in central New York officially ran out of new scene members to fuck late yesterday evening.
Humor | Humor
Cool! This Cute Little Kid Likes Stuff From the ‘80s Because His Dad Makes Him
Aww! This adorable little boy loves retro ‘80s stuff because he’s a walking monument to his dad’s crippling nostalgia!
Humor | Humor
6 Amazing Taco Bell Hacks From My Dad’s Video Will
Fast food is all about reliability, but sometimes you crave something new and exciting. That’s why we’re sharing six mind-blowing hacks you can use to spice up your Taco Bell order, straight from my dad’s video will!
Humor | Humor
Woman Calls Cops On Person for Not Having Home to Display Liberal Lawn Sign
Self-proclaimed activist Jane Lipton is in hot water after calling the cops on an unhoused neighbor for their inability to display an “In This House, We Believe” yard sign.
Humor | Humor
Rush Limbaugh Emerges from Pet Sematary Unchanged
Rush Limbaugh defied all odds by emerging from the notoriously possessed Pet Sematary unchanged.
Humor | Humor
How To Do Yoga in a Way That Worships Satan
One of the most sacred rituals a person can perform for themselves is the practice of yoga. A yogi is at one with their mind, body, and spirit. But did you know that when practicing yoga, you can also worship the Fallen Light-Bearer himself, Satan?
Humor | Humor
Ben Shapiro Criticizes Georgia O'Keeffe Paintings for Not Looking Like Anything
Political commentator Ben Shapiro admitted today that he doesn’t like the paintings of renowned artist Georgia O’Keeffe because her works “look like absolutely nothing.”
Humor | Humor
French Film Somehow Makes Even Less Sense With Subtitles
The French film “La Joie des Moineaux,” incomprehensible in its native language, is even more confusing for foreign viewers when watched with English subtitles.
Humor | Humor
24-year-old to Be Tried As a Child
Local 24-year-old adult person Travis Parkes will be prosecuted in juvenile court after a judge’s ruling of, “I mean, look at this kid.”
Humor | Humor
Man Retires From Proud Boys after Single Hug From Father
Greg Pough retired as an active member of the Proud Boys today following a three-second embrace with his father that ended with a pat on the back.
Entertainment | Entertainment
Sacha Baron Cohen On 'Borat' Ethics And Why His Disguise Days Are Over
Baron Cohen has been chased, sued and nearly arrested while in character. A scary experience with a gun rights rally while filming Borat 2 solidified his decision: "At some point, your luck runs out."
Humor | Humor
Ted Cruz Heroically Investigates Whether Mexico Stole Heat and Sun from Texas
The senator said that he undertook the mission because he cares deeply about the current suffering of his fellow-Texans.
Humor | Humor
Conservative Pundits Fly False Flags at Half Mast in Honor of Rush Limbaugh
Conservative talking heads across the country mourned the loss of Rush Limbaugh by reducing how many times they mentioned false flag operations on their respective shows.
Advice & Self-Help | Advice & Self-Help
Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber - Famadillo.com
Yes, Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is a real book. Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is the fun story about a woman and her beaver. Nothing more. Please
Humor | Humor
Paul McCartney Wishes People Would Ask Him A Question About Wings Every Once in Awhile
Paul McCartney allegedly wishes someone would occasionally ask him about his time playing and performing with Wings.
Humor | Humor
Jesus Helped Me Quit Alcohol and Now It’s Time for Me To Help Him Do the Same
When I was deep in the throes of my alcohol addiction it felt like there was no hope for me. It felt like the whole world rested on my chest and the only thing that could lift the weight was the contents of a bottle. That’s when I found a friend in Jesu
Humor | Humor
Trump spends final days just rubbing his dick on everything in White House
WASHINGTON D.C. – As the days wind down in the first and potentially only term held by President Trump, the Commander in Chief is reported to be spending his dwindling hours rubbing his penis over every possible surface in the White House.
Humor | Humor
Man Who Stormed Senate Already Back to Yelling at Skateboarders in Walmart Parking Lot
Ben Hartsock resumed his normal business of yelling at skateboarders for trespassing in a parking lot less than 24 hours after breaking into the Capitol Building.
Humor | Humor
Bruce Springsteen Shreds - Light Of Day
On January 7, 2000 at Madison Square Garden, Springsteen fans were treated to a once of a lifetime performance of the hit song "Light of Day". Always innovat...
Politics | Politics
Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.
Humor | Funny Stuff
Senator Hirono Demands ACB Be Weighed Against A Duck To See If She Is A Witch | The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
Humor | Humor
AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel - The Mideast Beast
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat
Humor | Political Humor
Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]
The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, lik
Humor | Political Humor
How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy
The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the nationa
Politics | Politics
Nation's Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapo
Politics | Politics
The Honkley Meme is a symbol of white supremacy - NPC Daily
Despite what you may have heard from alt-right hate mongers like Tim Pool and Paul Joseph Watson, clowns are indeed a symbol of racism and white supremacy. And it’s not just that weird toad thing the SPLC-designated hate group Four Chan has named “Hon
Entertainment | Entertainment
12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine | Mental Floss
As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down.
Humor | Political Humor
WATCH: Ben Shapiro Finally 'Interviews' Ocasio-Cortez | Daily Wire
Fresh off the hysteria over a conservative media personality posting an obviously satirical fake interview with Democratic candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Daily Wire Editor-in-Chief Ben Shapiro posted an obviously satirical fake interview with America
Humor | Political Humor
WALSH: Mankind Will Be Extinct Within 50 Years If We Do Not Abolish Plastic Straws
I thought I had witnessed the zenith of human courage when Billy Joel recently announced in an interview that "Nazis aren't good people." Joel is risking his career, perhaps even his li
Politics | The Hall of Idiots
Ocasio-Cortez Responds To Parody Video Mocking Her. She Gets Crushed.
Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a hilarious parody video produced by CRTV that mocked her as lacking intelligence and being willing to mislead people.
Humor | Humor
Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.
Entertainment | Movies & Other Stuff
'SNL' Has Never Been More Popular and Less Fun
Everyone is watching to see how the show takes on Donald Trump, and it’s been a real slog.
Humor | Humor
Sean Spicer is Trump's dad in a 'Daily Show' parody of that BBC video
How'd he get in there?
Food & Drink | Chicago Food & Drink
‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted - The On
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
Humor | Humor
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times | The Onion - America's Finest News So
SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.
Humor | Humor
Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...
Humor | Humor
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
Humor | Humor
Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow.
Entertainment | Entertainment
Princess Leia Walks Around NYC, Gets Harassed by Everyone From Yoda to Darth Vader | Adweek
The universe was shaken when we watched hidden-camera footage of a woman walking around NYC and getting harassed. Then we saw what happens when a white man suffers the same fate. Now, in the latest parody of the Hollaback!
Humor | Humor
Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever | The Onion - America's Fi
DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music f...
Humor | Funny Stuff
22 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In The South
It's more than a region, it's a state of mind.
Humor | Humor
Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed.
Politics | Interesting Links
Andrew Klavan: Democrats at War
In which our host, Andrew Klavan, discusses the lies, double-speak, failures and foibles of Democrats at War. TRANSCRIPT: RT - DEMOCRATS AT WAR! I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth! Today, in a Revolting Truth special, we bring you a story
Humor | Humor
Watchdog: Obstructionist Israel Plans to Continue Existing –...
The report calls on Netanyahu to negotiate the complete relinquishing of all Israeli territory in good faith.
Business & Finance | Advertising/Marketing
Zany, Boozy 'Mad Men'-Era Illustrations by Virgil Partch
After the last few years of watching sad-bastard mid-century businessmen get hammered on Mad Men, the new collection of Virgil Partch's illustrations from roughly the same period, Cork High and Bot...
