#satire

Humor | Humor

How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence

The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just

Humor | Humor

We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us

The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere - and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well educ

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FDA Warns Against Viral "Kill Yourself Challenge"

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to "unalive themselves" in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.

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We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo

The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It's four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars,

Humor | Humor

Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time

Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.

Humor | Humor

Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl

KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, e

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Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media

Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You've been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it's the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put

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Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party

God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.

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Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace

A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin's fireplace after hunting him over several days.

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Hip Youth Pastor Doesn't Believe in God

Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God.

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Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro

- A Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro -new secret 2nd channel: https://youtu.be/DZU3T8MnAX4((( Join The Cercle:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcoDpbA4c9HQY0Aj...

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Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs

Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on

Humor | Humor

I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine

If you want to hear the TRUTH that the vaccine industry doesn't want YOU to know, keep reading.

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Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton's Name Hastily Scribbled on Them

The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.

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FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination

FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday.

Humor | Humor

5 Fox News Personalities And How Each Of Them Fared In The 'Saw' Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into

Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala

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Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year

Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations' “woke politics.”

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Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!

No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!

Humor | Humor

Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him

WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the…

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Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State

Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of

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God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented

It’s no secret that our lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.

Humor | Humor

Top Five Southern Rock Songs To Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies

I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instgram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!

Humor | Humor

Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch

A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard.

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Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now

Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now.

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Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero

Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.

Humor | Humor

Roe v. Wade Cold Open - SNL

After Justice Samuel Alito's leaked draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade, a flashback to 13th century England shows the exact moment three men (Benedict Cum...

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Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit

Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade

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Parodying conspiracy theories with the Birds Aren't Real movement

Sharyn Alfonsi meets the founder of Birds Aren't Real, the conspiracy theory parodying conspiracy theories.

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Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter

SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…

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Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy

The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.

Humor | Humor

Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal

Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.

Humor | Humor

Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches

Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.

Humor | Humor

You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald

By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.

Humor | Humor

Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence

CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setti

Humor | Humor

Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling

Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.

Humor | Humor

What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump

Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou

Politics | Politics

Biden's Supreme Court Pick Sexually Assaulted Me 25 Years Ago

The news that Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is retiring is still fresh. He won’t even officially retire until October, and the Biden administration will likely spend months vetting potent...

Politics | Politics

Every Progressive Fundraising E-Mail This Weekend | National Review

Diversity is our strength. But unless we are united, that diversity is meaningless.

Humor | Humor

'SNL': Joe Biden blames omicron, inflation and everything else on ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’

Joe Biden, played by James Austin Johnson on "SNL," knows who's really to blame for COVID's omicron surge, inflation and more issues facing Americans.

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Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated

NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mar

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New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels

TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obvious

Humor | Humor

We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas

Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, "giving thanks." This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is c

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Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog

Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.

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Jeanine Pirro Cold Open - SNL

Jeanine Pirro (Cecily Strong) discusses the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict and welcomes Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) to discuss Biden’s Build Back Better in...

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Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime

Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.

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Aaron Rodgers Beats Fiancée, Murders A Few Guys On The Street So NFL Will Embrace Him Again

GREEN BAY, WI - Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers stirred up controversy last week when it was discovered that instead of taking the safe and effective Covid vaccine, like all the other NFL players, he had immunized himself by drinking a pint of

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Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84

Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age.

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Bruce Springsteen Admits He Made Up the “American Working Class” During a Creative Dry Spell

Legendary musician Bruce Springsteen recently admitted that he made up the “American working class” during a creative dry spell.

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Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying

UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the

Humor | Humor

We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”

The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore”…

Science & Technology | Science & Technology

Artist Is Mocking The Stupidity Of Modern Technology In His Funny Comics (28 New Pics)

We all take the age of computers for granted, but hey, why don't we all laugh at it for a bit? Meet System32Comics, the C++-approved tech webcomics for your inner nerd.

Advice & Self-Help | Advice & Self-Help

Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber - Famadillo.com

Yes, Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is a real book.  Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is the fun story about a woman and her beaver. Nothing more. Please

Politics | Politics

Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education

“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.

Humor | Humor

AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel - The Mideast Beast

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat

Humor | Political Humor

Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, lik

Humor | Political Humor

How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy

The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the nationa

Politics | Politics

Nation's Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapo

Politics | Politics

The Honkley Meme is a symbol of white supremacy - NPC Daily

Despite what you may have heard from alt-right hate mongers like Tim Pool and Paul Joseph Watson, clowns are indeed a symbol of racism and white supremacy. And it’s not just that weird toad thing the SPLC-designated hate group Four Chan has named “Hon

Entertainment | Entertainment

12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine | Mental Floss

As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down.

Humor | Political Humor

WATCH: Ben Shapiro Finally 'Interviews' Ocasio-Cortez | Daily Wire

Fresh off the hysteria over a conservative media personality posting an obviously satirical fake interview with Democratic candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Daily Wire Editor-in-Chief Ben Shapiro posted an obviously satirical fake interview with America

Humor | Political Humor

WALSH: Mankind Will Be Extinct Within 50 Years If We Do Not Abolish Plastic Straws

I thought I had witnessed the zenith of human courage when Billy Joel recently announced in an interview that "Nazis aren't good people." Joel is risking his career, perhaps even his li

Politics | The Hall of Idiots

Ocasio-Cortez Responds To Parody Video Mocking Her. She Gets Crushed.

Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a hilarious parody video produced by CRTV that mocked her as lacking intelligence and being willing to mislead people.

Humor | Humor

Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out - The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Entertainment | Movies & Other Stuff

'SNL' Has Never Been More Popular and Less Fun

Everyone is watching to see how the show takes on Donald Trump, and it’s been a real slog.

Humor | Humor

Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...

Humor | Humor

Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times | The Onion - America's Finest News So

SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.

Humor | Humor

Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...

Humor | Humor

Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...

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Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow.

Entertainment | Entertainment

Princess Leia Walks Around NYC, Gets Harassed by Everyone From Yoda to Darth Vader | Adweek

The universe was shaken when we watched hidden-camera footage of a woman walking around NYC and getting harassed. Then we saw what happens when a white man suffers the same fate. Now, in the latest parody of the Hollaback!

Humor | Humor

Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever | The Onion - America's Fi

DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music f...

Humor | Funny Stuff

22 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In The South

It's more than a region, it's a state of mind.

Humor | Humor

Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed.

Politics | Interesting Links

Andrew Klavan: Democrats at War

In which our host, Andrew Klavan, discusses the lies, double-speak, failures and foibles of Democrats at War. TRANSCRIPT: RT - DEMOCRATS AT WAR! I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth! Today, in a Revolting Truth special, we bring you a story

Humor | Humor

Watchdog: Obstructionist Israel Plans to Continue Existing –...

The report calls on Netanyahu to negotiate the complete relinquishing of all Israeli territory in good faith.

Business & Finance | Advertising/Marketing

Zany, Boozy 'Mad Men'-Era Illustrations by Virgil Partch

After the last few years of watching sad-bastard mid-century businessmen get hammered on Mad Men, the new collection of Virgil Partch's illustrations from roughly the same period, Cork High and Bot...