#satire
Humor | Humor
50 Serial Killers Ranked by How Annoying It Would Be To Play Them at Monopoly
It's game night, which prolific serial killer is going to be the worst to play with? This list finally answers that important question.
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Ron DeSantis Horrified to Discover “Woke” Drawn On Forehead After Falling Asleep First at GOP Candidate Sleepover
Florida governor Ron DeSantis awoke the morning after a GOP presidential hopeful slumber party to discover the word “WOKE” written on his forehead in permanent marker, sources still crying about it confirm.
Humor | Humor
Conservatives Explain Why Women Should Have More Babies
As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a “baby bust.” The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they sa
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Eight Takeaways from the First Republican Presidential Primary Debate
Candidates who have no chance of being nominated for president took to the stage last night to talk about nothing, here are the key takeaways.
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Marjorie Taylor Greene Threatens to Impeach Server at Applebee’s If Loaded Fajita Doesn’t Come Out Soon
Irate Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene began drafting articles of impeachment against staff at the Applebee’s restaurant when her order didn’t appear in a timely manner, according to nearby diners who just wanted to enjoy their Tex-Mex Shrimp Bowl
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CEO-Funded Study Finds Working From Home Makes Your Manhood Smaller
New research funded by Fortune 500 CEOs revealed that improving work-life balance will decrease the size of your schlong, which prompted many business leaders to encourage you to back to the office right now.
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Supreme Court Puts Venmo QR Code on Bench to Streamline Bribery Process
The Supreme Court overhauled their bribery process and made it more efficient by installing plaques with Venmo payment codes on the front of the bench where they make decisions that affect the entire country.
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Kid Who Can’t Buy Fireworks Legally Settles on Buying Assault Rifle
Local teenager Sam Carter purchased a fully automatic assault rifle after failing to legally obtain fireworks, sources scared for their life confirmed.
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Feud Erupts Between Rival MAGA Rappers From East and West Coast of Florida
Rival MAGA rappers Li’l Q and Lok ‘Er Up from the east and west coast of Florida respectively have begun to feud over which rapper has the hottest bars and beats that praise the federally indicted former president Donald Trump.
Humor | Humor
The Next Health Guru? This Man Turns Into a Diet and Fitness Expert Every Time He Sees an Article About Lizzo on Facebook
Throw away those workout DVDs, cancel your Weight Watchers membership, and unfollow your favorite fitness influencer on TikTok because there’s a hot new health expert redefining what we know about wellness!
Humor | Humor
Critics Say Submersible Should’ve Been Tested With Poorer Passengers First
WASHINGTON—Analyzing the mistakes OceanGate made that led to the vessel’s disappearance, critics told reporters Thursday that the submersible should have been tested with poorer passengers first. “The company skipped the very crucial step of sending
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Liberal Boomer Constantly Checking to Make Sure John Fogerty Not Suddenly Right Wing
Leftist senior citizen Cyrus Novak is reportedly under round-the-clock duress from continuously having to make sure John Fogerty is not somehow suddenly conservative.
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5 Best Tips on How to Politely Tell Your Siblings To Stop Having Children
Okay, let me address the fact that the headline you clicked to read this article may have sounded a little harsh. But we also said, "Politely Tell Your Siblings to Stop Having Children," so don't be such a thin-skinned whiny crybaby.
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Make-a-Wish Foundation Denies Child Bassist’s Wish to Play Guitar
A child bass player with terminal cancer was denied her dying wish to play lead guitar by the Make-A-Wish Foundation as it interfered with long-held institutional policies and beliefs, apologetic sources confirmed.
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Guitar Center Employee Crushed to Death by Avalanche of Squier Starter Packs
Guitar Center employee Cody Simmons was recently crushed to death by an avalanche of Squier starter packs that came loose after a customer played a particularly face-melting solo, sources that now have to work overtime to cover his shifts confirmed.
Humor | Humor
Heartwarming: This Second Grader Dreams of One Day Becoming President Despite Being Named Tristan
If you’re looking for a feel-good story about overcoming adversity, we’ve got the perfect one for you today out of Indianapolis, where local second grader, Tristan Fuller has announced his intention to one day become President of the United States, de
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Conservative Man Boycotting Chick-fil-A and Bud Light Now Technically Fasting
Local man Eric Case realized he's technically fasting after being forced to boycott his favorite brands Chick-fil-A and Bud Light for going "woke."
Humor | Humor
We Look Back On When Jimi Hendrix Forgot The Words To The National Anthem
It’s been over fifty years since the legendary Woodstock Festival, but even half a century cannot erase the memories of Jimi Hendrix forgetting the words to “The Star Spangled Banner.”
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Trump Condemned For Giving Platform To CNN
GOFFSTOWN, NH—With critics calling the former president’s highly anticipated town hall a “disgrace” for all involved,” Donald Trump was widely condemned Thursday for giving a platform to CNN. “It was dangerous, irresponsible, and downright dis
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Help! Boycotting Bud Light Has Made Me Question My Sexuality Even More
I have been a loyal Bud Light drinker since the 8th grade and let me tell you, this loyal customer is NOT happy. I’m sick and tired of these companies turning their backs on traditional values. Values like getting hammered at Hooters and screaming at my
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Punks React: Trump Found Liable for Sexual Abuse and Defamation
A New York jury found former President Donald Trump liable for sexually abusing and defaming writer E. Jean Carroll. As a result, Trump has been ordered to pay Carroll $5 million in compensatory and punitive damages. We took to the streets to see what pun
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We Revisit Trace Adkins’ “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” Because Our Flight Is Delayed in the Nashville Airport
Whether you’re a fan of country music or not, there’s no denying the musical talent and songwriting skills of countless country artists from the past century. From Johnny Cash to Dolly Parton, Kenny Chesney to Shania Twain, the genre has made a marked
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We Are Post-Pandemic. We Are Immortal. Those Still Alive Cannot Die.
By Dr. Anthony Fauci
Humor | Funny Stuff
Damning Leak Reveals Matt Walsh Knew What A Woman Was This Whole Time | Babylon Bee
NASHVILLE, TN — A damning leak from the hacked emails of conservative commentator Matt Walsh has revealed that in spite of the question posed by his documentary What Is A Woman?, he has actually known what a woman was this entire time.
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Tucker Carlson Looking For Deal With Network That Will Allow Him to Recite The 14 Words On Air
Ousted Fox News personality Tucker Carlson is looking for a new gig which would allow more freedom for the racist diatribes that shaped his long career, according to relieved sources within Fox.
Humor | Humor
Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now
OKLAHOMA CITY—Explaining that its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity had come to an end, retail company Hobby Lobby announced Monday that it was Muslim now. “After many years of self-reflection, we have seen the light of the word of the Pr
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Colin and Che BEST EVER Joke Swaps! SNL Weekend Update
"Saturday Night Live" (SNL) is a late-night sketch comedy and variety show that has been a staple of American television for over 40 years. Colin Jost and Mi...
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SNL Weekend Update 4/15/23 | Saturday Night Live April. 15, 2023
SNL Weekend Update 4/15/23 | Saturday Night Live April. 15, 2023
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How to Talk to Your Children About Not Getting Involved With Sports
As a father of three, I don't take my responsibility to set a good example for my children lightly. The world can be a scary place for young people and they have a lot of questions. One thing I always try to make very clear to them is how important i
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Conservatives Explain Why They’re Boycotting Budweiser
Following the backlash to Anheuser-Busch partnering with trans woman Dylan Mulvaney, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they’re boycotting Budweiser and this is what they said.
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Trump Easter Cold Open - SNL
Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) interrupts a recreation of The Last Supper.Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://pck.tv/3uQxh4qSubscribe to...
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I Am the Eggman and I’m Tired of Easter Appropriating My Culture
Imagine watching the rich history of your people bastardized by a clueless and indifferent public and then being expected to go along with it because it’s been labeled as harmless fun. I am of course talking about the “tradition” of hunting for eggs
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Voices in Brian Wilson’s Head Celebrate 60th Year of Telling Him His Car Sucks and He Can’t Surf
The cacophony of voices only audible to Beach Boys legend Brian Wilson today celebrated their 60th year of constantly insulting his car, surfing abilities, and loyalty to his high school.
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Police Officers Explain Why They Are Resigning En Masse
Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.
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Opinion: I Believe In Traditional American Values, Which Is Why I Make My Kids Read the Bible at Gunpoint
If history has shown us anything, it's that America best exhibits its core values when done by force. The woke liberal industrial complex trying to turn our kids gay or worse, tolerant of other viewpoints, poses an existential threat to our, by which
Humor | Humor
Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse
Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ th
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Ron DeSantis Removes Bad Brains From “Essential Hardcore” Playlist
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced last week that his state would seek to remove DC hardcore legends Bad Brains from the “Essential…
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Black Metal Parents Keep Pestering Daughter to Give Them Grandkids to Sacrifice
Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically sacrifice.
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We Sat Down With the Remaining Members of Poison, Which Turns Out Is All of Them
Whether it’s “Talk Dirty to Me,” “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” or “Nothin’ But a Good Time,” chances are you’re familiar with iconic glam rockers, Poison. The Hard Times was lucky enough to score an exclusive interview with these legends.
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I Gave John Lennon the Finger Guns the Day He Died and I’ve Felt Guilty Ever Since
I have a confession. It's been eating away at me for decades. On December 8th, 1980 when I waited outside of the Dakota Apartments hoping for a glimpse of my idol. Though I wasn’t able to meet him, I was able to briefly make eye contact and fire of
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Anti-Government Conservative Adds 75th Thin Blue Line Sticker to Truck
Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny.
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President Biden Calls for National Moment of Silence for Lowered Railway Stock Price
President Biden called for a moment of silence after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals.
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Spy Balloon Cold Open - SNL
Katy Tur (Chloe Fineman) reports on the U.S. military shooting down a suspected Chinese spy balloon (Bowen Yang) with the help of a Pentagon official (Kenan ...
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Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon
WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say u
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What Punk Documentary Interviewee Needs You to Understand Is That at This Point Reagan Was in the White House
Prominent documentary talking head Gareth “Rubber Duck” Wayne is repeatedly reminding everyone that, at the point of the story he is telling, Ronald Reagan was in the White House.
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Support Waning for Friend in Recovery Now That He Has Six-Pack Abs
Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level.
Humor | Humor
Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One
I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? H
Humor | Humor
Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life
At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn't missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if m
Humor | Humor
Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to "special favors" in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor
Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race.
Humor | Humor
We Reached Out to a Guy Who Posted a Meme Saying He’d Help Us Pack if the American Flag Offended Us and We Gotta Admit He’s Doing a Great Job
We all know moving is the worst, and packing is maybe the worst of the worst. There was so much we needed to load up for our big move and not enough time. We decided to take a chance and ask a guy who posted a badly-compressed meme with a watermark readin
Humor | Humor
Report: Doctor’s Standards for Alcoholism Pretty Lame
A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak as fuck.”
Politics | Politics
Biden's Supreme Court Pick Sexually Assaulted Me 25 Years Ago
The news that Supreme Court Justice Stephen Breyer is retiring is still fresh. He won’t even officially retire until October, and the Biden administration will likely spend months vetting potent...
Politics | Politics
Every Progressive Fundraising E-Mail This Weekend | National Review
Diversity is our strength. But unless we are united, that diversity is meaningless.
Humor | Humor
Aaron Rodgers Beats Fiancée, Murders A Few Guys On The Street So NFL Will Embrace Him Again
GREEN BAY, WI - Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers stirred up controversy last week when it was discovered that instead of taking the safe and effective Covid vaccine, like all the other NFL players, he had immunized himself by drinking a pint of
Science & Technology | Science & Technology
Artist Is Mocking The Stupidity Of Modern Technology In His Funny Comics (28 New Pics)
We all take the age of computers for granted, but hey, why don't we all laugh at it for a bit? Meet System32Comics, the C++-approved tech webcomics for your inner nerd.
Advice & Self-Help | Advice & Self-Help
Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber - Famadillo.com
Yes, Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is a real book. Brenda's Beaver Needs a Barber is the fun story about a woman and her beaver. Nothing more. Please
Politics | Politics
Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said.
Humor | Funny Stuff
Senator Hirono Demands ACB Be Weighed Against A Duck To See If She Is A Witch | The Babylon Bee
The Babylon Bee is Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.
Humor | Humor
AOC Cancels Event Honoring Arafat After Learning he Visited Israel - The Mideast Beast
New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has backed out of an event honoring former Palestinian Liberation Organization chairman Yasser Arafat
Humor | Political Humor
Oscars To Have New Inclusion Rule To Ensure Absolutely No One Cares About Oscars [Satire]
The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has developed a new inclusion requirement for Oscar-nominated films. The Academy says it wants to make sure the winning films contain significant roles for groups who are under-represented in Hollywood, lik
Humor | Political Humor
How to Celebrate July 4 Without Getting Canceled for Glorifying White Supremacy
The United States of America turns 244 this weekend. Normally that would be cause for celebration, but not anymore, now that the prevailing cultural sentiment demands that athletes issue statements to explain why they didn't take a knee during the nationa
Politics | Politics
Nation's Murderous Psychopaths Undecided On Whether They’ll Follow New Gun Laws
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats such as Beto O’Rourke have proposed a number of new gun laws, such as universal background checks, a ban on magazines that hold more than ten bullets, and possibly even a “mandatory buyback” of some weapo
Politics | Politics
The Honkley Meme is a symbol of white supremacy - NPC Daily
Despite what you may have heard from alt-right hate mongers like Tim Pool and Paul Joseph Watson, clowns are indeed a symbol of racism and white supremacy. And it’s not just that weird toad thing the SPLC-designated hate group Four Chan has named “Hon
Entertainment | Entertainment
12 Things You Might Not Know About MAD Magazine | Mental Floss
As fast as popular culture could erect wholesome depictions of American life in comics, television, or movies, MAD Magazine was there to tear them all down.
Humor | Political Humor
WATCH: Ben Shapiro Finally 'Interviews' Ocasio-Cortez | Daily Wire
Fresh off the hysteria over a conservative media personality posting an obviously satirical fake interview with Democratic candidate Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Daily Wire Editor-in-Chief Ben Shapiro posted an obviously satirical fake interview with America
Humor | Political Humor
WALSH: Mankind Will Be Extinct Within 50 Years If We Do Not Abolish Plastic Straws
I thought I had witnessed the zenith of human courage when Billy Joel recently announced in an interview that "Nazis aren't good people." Joel is risking his career, perhaps even his li
Politics | The Hall of Idiots
Ocasio-Cortez Responds To Parody Video Mocking Her. She Gets Crushed.
Socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez responded to a hilarious parody video produced by CRTV that mocked her as lacking intelligence and being willing to mislead people.
Humor | Humor
Man With No Plans Just Too Exhausted To Go Out - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.
Entertainment | Movies & Other Stuff
'SNL' Has Never Been More Popular and Less Fun
Everyone is watching to see how the show takes on Donald Trump, and it’s been a real slog.
Humor | Humor
Sean Spicer is Trump's dad in a 'Daily Show' parody of that BBC video
How'd he get in there?
Food & Drink | Chicago Food & Drink
‘We Get The Food And Then We Eat The Food Until All The Food Is Gone,’ City Of Chicago Announces Unprompted - The On
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
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Man Announces Plan To Take Out Anger On First Less Powerful Person He Sees - The Onion - America's Finest News Source
The Onion, America's Finest News Source.
Humor | Humor
Plan For Future Still Involves Drumming For Lifehouse | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
SOUTH BEND, IN—Fifteen years after first envisioning the path he hoped his professional life would take, local man Brent Gibbs is still planning his future around being the drummer for Los Angeles-based alternative rock band Lifehouse, sources confi...
Humor | Humor
Apple Fans Demand Other Products They Can Feel Directly Against Skin At All Times | The Onion - America's Finest News So
SAN FRANCISCO—Following Monday’s unveiling of the highly anticipated Apple Watch, fans of Apple across the nation reportedly called on the company to manufacture more products that they can feel pressed against their skin at all times.
Humor | Humor
Iranian Team Openly Working On Bomb In Negotiating Room | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
VIENNA—Asserting the Middle Eastern nation’s right to a safe, peaceful energy program, members of the Iranian diplomatic team attempted to seek more favorable terms of a deal with the P5+1 global powers while openly assembling a nuclear weapon...
Humor | Humor
Siblings Quietly Relieved Oldest Brother Setting Bar So Low | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
CHARLOTTE, NC—Explaining how the 25-year-old’s personal and academic shortcomings had made their relationship with their parents far easier, siblings Eric and Theresa Conrad confided to reporters Friday that they were quietly relieved their ol...
Humor | Humor
Neighbors Come Together To Watch BMW Owner Struggle In Snow | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
EVANSTON, IL—Putting aside their own responsibilities and quickly gathering at their neighbor’s driveway, Foster Street residents reportedly came together Monday to watch a BMW owner struggle to free his car from the snow.
Entertainment | Entertainment
Princess Leia Walks Around NYC, Gets Harassed by Everyone From Yoda to Darth Vader | Adweek
The universe was shaken when we watched hidden-camera footage of a woman walking around NYC and getting harassed. Then we saw what happens when a white man suffers the same fate. Now, in the latest parody of the Hollaback!
Humor | Humor
Documentary Viewer Can’t Wait To Find Out Which 4 Lads From Liverpool Changed Music Forever | The Onion - America's Fi
DETROIT—Yearning with breathless anticipation to learn more about the hugely influential band, documentary viewer Jeremy Rosen told reporters Wednesday that he could not wait to find out which four lads from Liverpool had changed the face of music f...
Humor | Funny Stuff
22 Words That Have A Totally Different Meaning In The South
It's more than a region, it's a state of mind.
Humor | Humor
Obama Sleeping With Louisville Slugger Under Bed Now | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
WASHINGTON—Following the latest security breach at the White House over the weekend, President Obama told reporters Monday that he is taking extra safety precautions by now sleeping with a Louisville Slugger under his bed.
Politics | Interesting Links
Andrew Klavan: Democrats at War
In which our host, Andrew Klavan, discusses the lies, double-speak, failures and foibles of Democrats at War. TRANSCRIPT: RT - DEMOCRATS AT WAR! I’m Andrew Klavan and this is the Revolting Truth! Today, in a Revolting Truth special, we bring you a story
Humor | Humor
Watchdog: Obstructionist Israel Plans to Continue Existing –...
The report calls on Netanyahu to negotiate the complete relinquishing of all Israeli territory in good faith.
Business & Finance | Advertising/Marketing
Zany, Boozy 'Mad Men'-Era Illustrations by Virgil Partch
After the last few years of watching sad-bastard mid-century businessmen get hammered on Mad Men, the new collection of Virgil Partch's illustrations from roughly the same period, Cork High and Bot...
