Cycling/Paddleboarding/beer/coffee/Music/Punk Rock and other stuff that interests me.

Chris Thomas

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Jewish Comedian ROASTS Zionists For Being 'Nationalist Babies'

Watch the full chat with Max Blumenthal here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/max-blumenthal-98001353Katie talks to comedian Matt Lieb and musical theater lyri...

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"Unacceptable," IDF Commander Responds to Report That Some Hospitals in Gaza Are Still Operating

High-ranking officials in the Israeli Defence Force were alarmed by a new report that suggested Gaza still had 1/3rd of their hospitals operational despite constant targeted bombings.

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How To Hit on the Cute Barista by Ordering Your Coffee Like Normal and Leaving

So the person making your coffee is attractive, and you're thinking now might be the perfect time to take advantage of the fact that they are required to talk to you and slip them your number. This seems like a great idea—in fact, the only thing mo

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Comedian Left SPEECHLESS by MAGA Man's Raw Stupidity

Support the Good Liars HERE: https://www.goodliars.com/TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thegoodliarsNow that Trump and his other GOP Presidential Primary comp...

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Cool Mom Gives Out Full-Size Xanax Bars on Halloween

Local Mom Linda Hudson turned heads in her neighborhood by giving out full-sized Xanax bars to visiting trick-or-treaters.

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​​5 Rocky Horror Characters To Dress Up as for Halloween Instead of Just Coming Out

Halloween is almost here! I see you shiver with antici…pation. The gayest holiday of the year is the perfect time to live out loud as…

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REPORT: News Unable to Confirm News

Many Americans are left unsure of the facts as news outlets across the country are unable to confirm the news as the horrors in the Middle East continue to unfold.

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I Hate Mondays! Garfield Characters By Their Likeliness of Committing Workplace Violence

The Garfield comic strip and cartoon is filled with unhinged maniacs. Today we discover which character is most likely to snap at work.

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10 out of 10 Doctors Agree: Getting Paid to Shill for Prescription Drugs Is Awesome

A blockbuster study conducted by Quinnipiac University found that on average, 10 out of 10 American doctors unilaterally believe that being paid to shill for prescription drugs is monetarily awesome.

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Ann Margaret - Saturday Night Live

Subscribe to SaturdayNightLive: http://j.mp/1bjU39dCelebrity Impressions: http://j.mp/1cyUL2WSEASON 36: http://j.mp/1cdpX7YAnn Margaret tries to throw a piec...

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Embattled George Santos Adds Rachel Dolezal, Martin Shkreli to Legal Team

Rep. George Santos continued to assert his innocence after being charged with wire fraud and conspiracy and announced he added activist Rachel Dolezal and businessman Martin Shkreli to his legal team.

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Ominous Pulsating Dark Orb To Replace Kevin McCarthy As House Speaker

An ominous pulsating dark orb with unknown powers is set to replace Kevin McCarthy as the Speaker of the House following a historic vote to oust the California representative.

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Not A Great Sign: Eric Clapton Just Released “Tears In Heaven 2”

Fans of controversial musician and vocalist Eric Clapton were openly concerned for the songwriter after releasing his new song ‘Tears In Heaven 2” earlier today.

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50 Serial Killers Ranked by How Annoying It Would Be To Play Them at Monopoly

It's game night, which prolific serial killer is going to be the worst to play with? This list finally answers that important question.

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Ron DeSantis Horrified to Discover “Woke” Drawn On Forehead After Falling Asleep First at GOP Candidate Sleepover

Florida governor Ron DeSantis awoke the morning after a GOP presidential hopeful slumber party to discover the word “WOKE” written on his forehead in permanent marker, sources still crying about it confirm.

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Conservatives Explain Why Women Should Have More Babies

As U.S. birth rates hit a record low, right wing pundits are urging Americans to do everything they can to avoid a “baby bust.” The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they believe American women should birth more babies, and this is what they sa

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Eight Takeaways from the First Republican Presidential Primary Debate

Candidates who have no chance of being nominated for president took to the stage last night to talk about nothing, here are the key takeaways.

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Marjorie Taylor Greene Threatens to Impeach Server at Applebee’s If Loaded Fajita Doesn’t Come Out Soon

Irate Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene began drafting articles of impeachment against staff at the Applebee’s restaurant when her order didn’t appear in a timely manner, according to nearby diners who just wanted to enjoy their Tex-Mex Shrimp Bowl

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CEO-Funded Study Finds Working From Home Makes Your Manhood Smaller

New research funded by Fortune 500 CEOs revealed that improving work-life balance will decrease the size of your schlong, which prompted many business leaders to encourage you to back to the office right now.

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Supreme Court Puts Venmo QR Code on Bench to Streamline Bribery Process

The Supreme Court overhauled their bribery process and made it more efficient by installing plaques with Venmo payment codes on the front of the bench where they make decisions that affect the entire country.

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Kid Who Can’t Buy Fireworks Legally Settles on Buying Assault Rifle

Local teenager Sam Carter purchased a fully automatic assault rifle after failing to legally obtain fireworks, sources scared for their life confirmed.

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Kid Who Can’t Buy Fireworks Legally Settles on Buying Assault Rifle

Local teenager Sam Carter purchased a fully automatic assault rifle after failing to legally obtain fireworks, sources scared for their life confirmed.

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Feud Erupts Between Rival MAGA Rappers From East and West Coast of Florida

Rival MAGA rappers Li’l Q and Lok ‘Er Up from the east and west coast of Florida respectively have begun to feud over which rapper has the hottest bars and beats that praise the federally indicted former president Donald Trump.

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The Next Health Guru? This Man Turns Into a Diet and Fitness Expert Every Time He Sees an Article About Lizzo on Facebook

Throw away those workout DVDs, cancel your Weight Watchers membership, and unfollow your favorite fitness influencer on TikTok because there’s a hot new health expert redefining what we know about wellness!

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Critics Say Submersible Should’ve Been Tested With Poorer Passengers First

WASHINGTON—Analyzing the mistakes OceanGate made that led to the vessel’s disappearance, critics told reporters Thursday that the submersible should have been tested with poorer passengers first. “The company skipped the very crucial step of sending

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Liberal Boomer Constantly Checking to Make Sure John Fogerty Not Suddenly Right Wing

Leftist senior citizen Cyrus Novak is reportedly under round-the-clock duress from continuously having to make sure John Fogerty is not somehow suddenly conservative.

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5 Best Tips on How to Politely Tell Your Siblings To Stop Having Children

Okay, let me address the fact that the headline you clicked to read this article may have sounded a little harsh. But we also said, "Politely Tell Your Siblings to Stop Having Children," so don't be such a thin-skinned whiny crybaby.

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Make-a-Wish Foundation Denies Child Bassist’s Wish to Play Guitar

A child bass player with terminal cancer was denied her dying wish to play lead guitar by the Make-A-Wish Foundation as it interfered with long-held institutional policies and beliefs, apologetic sources confirmed.

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Guitar Center Employee Crushed to Death by Avalanche of Squier Starter Packs

Guitar Center employee Cody Simmons was recently crushed to death by an avalanche of Squier starter packs that came loose after a customer played a particularly face-melting solo, sources that now have to work overtime to cover his shifts confirmed.

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Heartwarming: This Second Grader Dreams of One Day Becoming President Despite Being Named Tristan

If you’re looking for a feel-good story about overcoming adversity, we’ve got the perfect one for you today out of Indianapolis, where local second grader, Tristan Fuller has announced his intention to one day become President of the United States, de

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Conservative Man Boycotting Chick-fil-A and Bud Light Now Technically Fasting

Local man Eric Case realized he's technically fasting after being forced to boycott his favorite brands Chick-fil-A and Bud Light for going "woke."

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We Look Back On When Jimi Hendrix Forgot The Words To The National Anthem

It’s been over fifty years since the legendary Woodstock Festival, but even half a century cannot erase the memories of Jimi Hendrix forgetting the words to “The Star Spangled Banner.”

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Punks React: Vice Media Files For Bankruptcy

Vice Media filed for bankruptcy on Monday, which will likely result in the sale of the company. We took to the streets to see what punks thought of the whole situation.

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    Trump Condemned For Giving Platform To CNN

    GOFFSTOWN, NH—With critics calling the former president’s highly anticipated town hall a “disgrace” for all involved,” Donald Trump was widely condemned Thursday for giving a platform to CNN. “It was dangerous, irresponsible, and downright dis

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    Help! Boycotting Bud Light Has Made Me Question My Sexuality Even More

    I have been a loyal Bud Light drinker since the 8th grade and let me tell you, this loyal customer is NOT happy. I’m sick and tired of these companies turning their backs on traditional values. Values like getting hammered at Hooters and screaming at my

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    Punks React: Trump Found Liable for Sexual Abuse and Defamation

    A New York jury found former President Donald Trump liable for sexually abusing and defaming writer E. Jean Carroll. As a result, Trump has been ordered to pay Carroll $5 million in compensatory and punitive damages. We took to the streets to see what pun

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    We Revisit Trace Adkins’ “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” Because Our Flight Is Delayed in the Nashville Airport

    Whether you’re a fan of country music or not, there’s no denying the musical talent and songwriting skills of countless country artists from the past century. From Johnny Cash to Dolly Parton, Kenny Chesney to Shania Twain, the genre has made a marked

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    Tucker Carlson Looking For Deal With Network That Will Allow Him to Recite The 14 Words On Air

    Ousted Fox News personality Tucker Carlson is looking for a new gig which would allow more freedom for the racist diatribes that shaped his long career, according to relieved sources within Fox.

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    Hobby Lobby Announces It Muslim Now

    OKLAHOMA CITY—Explaining that its long affiliation with evangelical Christianity had come to an end, retail company Hobby Lobby announced Monday that it was Muslim now. “After many years of self-reflection, we have seen the light of the word of the Pr

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    Colin and Che BEST EVER Joke Swaps! SNL Weekend Update

    "Saturday Night Live" (SNL) is a late-night sketch comedy and variety show that has been a staple of American television for over 40 years. Colin Jost and Mi...

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    SNL Weekend Update 4/15/23 | Saturday Night Live April. 15, 2023

    SNL Weekend Update 4/15/23 | Saturday Night Live April. 15, 2023

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    How to Talk to Your Children About Not Getting Involved With Sports

    As a father of three, I don't take my responsibility to set a good example for my children lightly. The world can be a scary place for young people and they have a lot of questions. One thing I always try to make very clear to them is how important i

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    Conservatives Explain Why They’re Boycotting Budweiser

    Following the backlash to Anheuser-Busch partnering with trans woman Dylan Mulvaney, The Onion asked conservatives to explain why they’re boycotting Budweiser and this is what they said.

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    Trump Easter Cold Open - SNL

    Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) interrupts a recreation of The Last Supper.Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://pck.tv/3uQxh4qSubscribe to...

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    I Am the Eggman and I’m Tired of Easter Appropriating My Culture

    Imagine watching the rich history of your people bastardized by a clueless and indifferent public and then being expected to go along with it because it’s been labeled as harmless fun. I am of course talking about the “tradition” of hunting for eggs

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    Voices in Brian Wilson’s Head Celebrate 60th Year of Telling Him His Car Sucks and He Can’t Surf

    The cacophony of voices only audible to Beach Boys legend Brian Wilson today celebrated their 60th year of constantly insulting his car, surfing abilities, and loyalty to his high school.

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    Police Officers Explain Why They Are Resigning En Masse

    Whether it’s in small towns or large cities, law enforcement officials are leaving their posts in record numbers across the United States. The Onion asked police officers to explain why they are resigning en masse, and this is what they said.

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    Opinion: I Believe In Traditional American Values, Which Is Why I Make My Kids Read the Bible at Gunpoint

    If history has shown us anything, it's that America best exhibits its core values when done by force. The woke liberal industrial complex trying to turn our kids gay or worse, tolerant of other viewpoints, poses an existential threat to our, by which

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    Scientists Have Recreated the Real Face of Jesus if He Was Into the Insane Clown Posse

    Jesus of Nazareth was undeniably one of the most influential figures in human history. His message of love and compassion (later rebranded as xenophobia and hatred toward poor people) still permeates our culture, and yet so little is known about Christ th

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    Ron DeSantis Removes Bad Brains From “Essential Hardcore” Playlist

    TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Florida Governor Ron DeSantis announced last week that his state would seek to remove DC hardcore legends Bad Brains from the “Essential…

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    Black Metal Parents Keep Pestering Daughter to Give Them Grandkids to Sacrifice

    Local black metal parents Suzanne and Dmitri Ubnatern are persistent in asking their 30-year-old daughter to give them grandchildren to metaphorically sacrifice.

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    45 Minute Presentation About the Dangers of Wokeness to Open For Upcoming Disturbed Tour

    Long-running nu-metal band Disturbed surprised fans by announcing that the opener for their upcoming North America tour will be a 45 minute presentation about the “dangers of wokeness,” disheartened but unsurprised sources report.

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    We Sat Down With the Remaining Members of Poison, Which Turns Out Is All of Them

    Whether it’s “Talk Dirty to Me,” “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” or “Nothin’ But a Good Time,” chances are you’re familiar with iconic glam rockers, Poison. The Hard Times was lucky enough to score an exclusive interview with these legends.

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    I Gave John Lennon the Finger Guns the Day He Died and I’ve Felt Guilty Ever Since

    I have a confession. It's been eating away at me for decades. On December 8th, 1980 when I waited outside of the Dakota Apartments hoping for a glimpse of my idol. Though I wasn’t able to meet him, I was able to briefly make eye contact and fire of

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    Anti-Government Conservative Adds 75th Thin Blue Line Sticker to Truck

    Self-proclaimed freethinker Terry Schuse added a 75th thin blue line sticker to his prized truck despite constantly ranting about government tyranny.

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    Opinion: Worshiping Satan Used To Mean Something in This Country

    America is going to hell in a hand-basket, and not in a good way. These kids today don’t care about anything except Tiktok, Fortnite, and how many social media likes they get. You know what they don’t have time for anymore?

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    Trump Train Visit Cold Open - SNL

    Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) delivers a message to the residents of East Palestine, Ohio, following the train derailment.Saturday Night Live. Stream n...

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    Most Racist Moments Compilation (not for snowflakes) #1

    #familyguy #familyguyfullepisodes #familyguyfunnymoments #petergriffin #familyguydarkhumor #familyguynozoomMost Racist Moments Compilation Family Guy (n...

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    President Biden Calls for National Moment of Silence for Lowered Railway Stock Price

    President Biden called for a moment of silence after the stock price of the Norfolk Southern Corporation sharply dropped following a disastrous railway derailment that is currently leaking vast amounts of toxic chemicals.

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    Spy Balloon Cold Open - SNL

    Katy Tur (Chloe Fineman) reports on the U.S. military shooting down a suspected Chinese spy balloon (Bowen Yang) with the help of a Pentagon official (Kenan ...

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    Nation Surrenders To Chinese Balloon

    WASHINGTON—Bowing down before the floating intruder mere hours after it entered American airspace, the entire U.S. nation reportedly surrendered Friday to the Chinese balloon spotted hovering over Montana. “Today, I speak to the Great Balloon to say u

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    What Punk Documentary Interviewee Needs You to Understand Is That at This Point Reagan Was in the White House

    Prominent documentary talking head Gareth “Rubber Duck” Wayne is repeatedly reminding everyone that, at the point of the story he is telling, Ronald Reagan was in the White House.

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    Support Waning for Friend in Recovery Now That He Has Six-Pack Abs

    Support for local man Kevin Davidson is reportedly waning amongst friends as they slowly realize his recovery bolstered his social status and helped tone his physique beyond their comfort level.

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    Argument - Monty Python

    One of my favourite sketches from the original TV series of Monty Python's Flying Circus

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    Just Because My Last Piercing Never Healed Doesn’t Mean I Can’t Get Another One

    I got my ear lobes pierced about seven months ago. The left one is still kinda swollen, crusty, and bleeds every night. And honestly, the right one isn’t doing much better. But does that mean I should wait another second before I get my next piercing? H

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    Sure Maybe if My Parents Hadn’t Named Me ‘Maniac Mike the Motorcycle Madman’ I Wouldn’t Have Become a Daredevil but Such Is Life

    At some point in everyone’s life, they stop and reflect on how things may have gone differently. Should I have gone on that date? What if I hadn't missed that train? Where would I be had I not failed high school? For me, that question is: What if m

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    Desperate Kevin McCarthy Agrees to "special favors" in Exchange for House Speaker Votes in His Favor

    Embattled Rep. Kevin McCarthy offered Republican colleagues two over-the-pants handjobs, redeemable at any time within his term, if they agree to vote for him in the ongoing Speaker of the House race.

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    We Reached Out to a Guy Who Posted a Meme Saying He’d Help Us Pack if the American Flag Offended Us and We Gotta Admit He’s Doing a Great Job

    We all know moving is the worst, and packing is maybe the worst of the worst. There was so much we needed to load up for our big move and not enough time. We decided to take a chance and ask a guy who posted a badly-compressed meme with a watermark readin

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    Report: Doctor’s Standards for Alcoholism Pretty Lame

    A new report from local drunk Emily Kinder indicates that the standards of alcoholism held by her primary care physician are “weak as fuck.”

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    Black Metal Band’s Publicity Photos Clearly Taken at Christmas Tree Farm

    Fans of black metal stalwarts Bloodfrost became disenchanted with the supposedly Satanic quartet when it was recently discovered the band’s latest publicity photos were taken at a nearby Christmas tree farm, confirmed corpse painted sources.

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    Cop Plants Pot Brownie at Rival Bake Sale

    Local police officer Brad Chapman allegedly planted a pot brownie at an elementary school’s bake sale, which was competing against his station’s own fundraiser, multiple sources confirmed.

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    Convicted Oath Keepers Plead With Judge to Let Them Catch Just One Metallica, Pantera Tour Date

    Members of the far-right militia group "The Oath Keepers" pleaded with a federal judge to let them attend just one date of the recently announced Metallica and Pantera tour before being jailed for participating in seditious activities during the January 6

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    How I Learned To Avoid Politics at Thanksgiving and Dive Right Into Physical Violence

    The holidays can be hard for even the closest families. Plus, with culture war tearing us apart, it can be difficult to sit down at the table and break bread with people on the other side of the aisle. That’s why I leave the bread basket alone and just

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    We Beat on the Brat With a Baseball Bat and Our Attorney Says This Daycare Center Actually Has a Pretty Strong Case Against Us

    The Ramones were masters at writing instructional punk songs. Songs that teach the listener how to sniff glue and how to not go down to the basement have informed generations of punks everywhere - and we here at The Hard Times consider ourselves well educ

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    FDA Warns Against Viral "Kill Yourself Challenge"

    The U.S. Food and Drug Administration is warning against a new challenge that has gone viral on TikTok, pressuring teens to "unalive themselves" in a variety of ways that admittedly look pretty cool on camera.

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    We Caught up With the Forgotten Fifth Bar in Black Flag’s Logo

    The Black Flag logo is one of punk’s most iconic images. It's four simple bars that any drunk punk could quickly spray paint on a cop car. But behind those bars is a secret that not many people know. The original Black Flag logo featured five bars,

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    Why I Quit My Job and Left My Wife To Defend Elon Musk Online Full Time

    Like Elon Musk, I’m a doer, not a talker. So when I noticed the online attacks against my hero started to ramp up, I knew I could no longer stand idly by, which is why I quit my job and left my wife to defend Elon online full-time.

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    Disappointed Trick-Or-Treater Was Really Hoping To Get At Least One Pack Of Fentanyl

    KANSAS CITY, MO—Scouring the bag of candy before throwing it across the room in defeat, disappointed trick-or-treater Olivia Vercetti, 8, told reporters Monday that she was really hoping to get at least one pack of fentanyl this Halloween. “Aw, man, e

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    Your Self-worth Shouldn’t Come From a Career, It Should Come From Social Media

    Are you one of those people who derive their internal sense of worth and belonging from a career? That’s no way to go through life! You've been chasing that dragon for so long that you think it's the only way to feel accomplishment. Well, put

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    Resurrected Christ Distances Himself From Republican Party

    God’s only begotten son Jesus Christ is actively distancing himself and his constituents from Republicans across the globe upon his return to Earth this afternoon.

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    Black Bear Family Proudly Displays Mounted Stuffed Ted Nugent Head Above Fireplace

    A local American black bear family proudly displayed the stuffed head of the elusive Ted Nugent as a trophy above their cabin's fireplace after hunting him over several days.

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    Hip Youth Pastor Doesn't Believe in God

    Local youth pastor Chase Rexley gained quite a following in his church after revealing that he doesn’t believe in God.

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    Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro

    - A Day in the Life of Ben Shapiro -new secret 2nd channel: https://youtu.be/DZU3T8MnAX4((( Join The Cercle:https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcoDpbA4c9HQY0Aj...

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    Managers at Pediatric Blood Farm That Keeps Queen Alive Prepare for Layoffs

    Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on

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    24 Things You Don't Know About Alex Jones | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

    Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1BBill shares a few fun "facts" about right-wing radio host and conspiracy theorist, Alex Jones. Conn...

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    I Didn’t Vaccinate My Kids and the One Who Lived Turned out Fine

    If you want to hear the TRUTH that the vaccine industry doesn't want YOU to know, keep reading.

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    Hundreds of Nuclear Weapons Documents Found at Mar-a-Lago with Hillary Clinton's Name Hastily Scribbled on Them

    The Federal Bureau of Investigation recovered stacks of highly-classified nuclear weapons documents with “Hillary Clinton” written in childlike scrawls on them from Donald Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence, flabbergasted yet unsurprised agents reported.

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    FBI Agent Reveals Mar-a-Lago Safe Cracked With 0000 Combination

    FBI Agent David Abramson revealed he was able to gain access to former President Donald Trump’s safe first try by using a 0000 combination during a raid of Mar-a-Lago this past Monday.

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    5 Fox News Personalities And How Each Of Them Fared In The 'Saw' Style Deathtrap We Tricked Them All Into

    Can a person simply pull themselves up by their bootstraps or is American exceptionalism a lie? We decided to test this on some of the most exceptional Americans we could think of, Fox News hosts. And what better test than a labyrinth of moral terror ala

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    Conservative Boycotting Disney Now Will Only Visit Park 14 Times a Year

    Staunch conservative Todd Anderson vowed to limit his annual Disney World trips to slightly more than a baker’s dozen because he is tired of supporting the major corporations' “woke politics.”

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    Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!

    No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!

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    Republican Senator’s Mistress Too Busy Getting Abortion to Celebrate Big Win with Him

    WASHINGTON – The much-younger girlfriend of a prominent Republican Senator is disappointed that she will be too busy having an abortion today to join the…

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    Opinion: I’m Only Eating This Baby to Gain the Mental and Physical Prowess I Need To Hunt Baby Eaters in the Deep State

    Ever since Q provided all free-thinking patriots with irrefutable proof that our country is controlled by a shadow governing cabal of baby eating devil worshipers who themselves are in the pocket of shape-shifting lizard aliens, I’ve dedicated a lot of

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    God Has a Plan: When This Christian Rock Drummer Died in a Car Accident His Band Got a New Drummer and He Is Much More Talented

    It’s no secret that our lord works in mysterious ways. He allows bad things to happen to good people, he buries dinosaur fossils to test our faith, and he allowed the democrats to steal our election for who knows what reason.

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    Top Five Southern Rock Songs To Listen to While You Complain About Participation Trophies

    I remember when this country had a pair! When I was growing up we didn’t have all the crybabies doing the tweets or the instgram. We had people who knew their worth and fell in a line. And mostly we didn’t have any participation trophies!

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    Cat Rescues Scared Cop Stuck Hiding On Tall Tree Branch

    A local cat known as Pudding saved an officer of the Chicago Police Department that ran up a very tall tree and got stuck after being spooked by a scary bug that caught him off guard.

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    Guitarist Just Getting Out Of Long-Term Band Not Looking For Anything Serious Right Now

    Heartbroken guitarist Wayne Kellington just got out of his long-term punk band Cranial Input and is admittedly not looking for anything too serious right now.

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    Conservative Podcaster Unsure If Toddler Who Shot Pregnant Mother Is An Abortionist or Second Amendment Hero

    Right-wing podcaster Skyler Donelli admitted he is having difficulty choosing a side in the debate over whether a toddler accidentally shooting its mother is an evil act of abortion or virtuous example of using one’s second amendment rights.

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    Roe v. Wade Cold Open - SNL

    After Justice Samuel Alito's leaked draft opinion to overturn Roe v. Wade, a flashback to 13th century England shows the exact moment three men (Benedict Cum...

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    Democrats Vow Women Jailed For Abortion Will Get $50 Tax Credit

    Democratic Party leaders issued a scathing statement earlier today in response to a leaked draft Supreme Court Decision overturning Roe v. Wade

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    Parodying conspiracy theories with the Birds Aren't Real movement

    Sharyn Alfonsi meets the founder of Birds Aren't Real, the conspiracy theory parodying conspiracy theories.

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    Future 'Founder' of Twitter Elon Musk Buys Twitter

    SAN FRANCISCO — Richest man in the world, Elon Musk, acquired Twitter earlier today and will immediately begin rewriting the company’s history to show he…

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    Desperate Catholic Church Willing to Accept Dream Theater Fandom in Place of Vow of Celibacy

    The Catholic Church announced a new effort in which it will attempt to grow its ever-dwindling priest population by accepting a public display of fandom to prog-metal titans Dream Theater fandom in place of its usual vow of celibacy for new priests.

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    Man Goes to Astounding Lengths to Find Family History of Parkinson's Rather Than Admitting He Going Through Alcohol Withdrawal

    Friends and relatives of local resident, Brian Gibbs, have reported that the 28-year-old has insisted for years that his frequent tremors are due to a family history of Parkinson's as opposed to a case of DTs.

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    Seat Fillers - SNL

    An Oscars seat filler (Jerrod Carmichael) gets interrupted while talking to Will Smith (Chris Redd).Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://pck.t...

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    Neighborhood Drug Front Actually Best Place to Get Sandwiches

    Neighborhood staple Al’s Market won an online poll for “Best Local Sandwich Spot,” despite strong evidence of it being a front for drug trafficking.

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    You Know What Energy Source Hasn’t Skyrocketed in Price Due to Russia? Steam! Op-ed by Reginald Vondurchdenwald

    By Jove! It appears that, once again, the cost of petroleum has gone through the roof! If only society had heeded my words once again and switched to a less costly, more efficient mode of transportation.

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    Rising Gas Prices Prevent Struggling Americans From Burning Crime Scene Evidence

    CHICAGO—With markets roiled by war in Ukraine and a U.S. boycott of Russian oil imports, leading economists confirmed Friday that rising gas prices have prevented struggling Americans from obtaining the fuel they normally use as an accelerant when setti

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    Dad Sure to Let You Know Race of Every Person in Story He’s Telling

    Local dad Richard Miller is reportedly about to start another boring story in which he’ll be sure to note the race of any person of color involved.

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    What the Deaths of Countless Ukrainian Civilians Means for You at the Pump

    Well, Russia invaded Ukraine so you know what that means. The carnage, the screaming, the mothers holding their children for dear life, and of course, rapidly changing gas prices. The only thing more volatile than the gas prices is that region! But seriou

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    Entitled Karens Getting Put In Their Place - REACTION

    Entitled Karens Getting Put In Their Place - REACTIONSUBSCRIBE! https://bit.ly/2DxtJhMINSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/charlaychaplinTWITTER: https://twi...

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    'SNL': Joe Biden blames omicron, inflation and everything else on ‘Spider-Man: No Way Home’

    Joe Biden, played by James Austin Johnson on "SNL," knows who's really to blame for COVID's omicron surge, inflation and more issues facing Americans.

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    Police Officer’s Wife Still Dreads Getting Phone Call That Her Husband Has Been Vaccinated

    NEW YORK—Admitting that she experiences a small jolt of terror even after all these months, wife of NYPD officer Mark Cady, told reporters Tuesday that she still dreads someday getting a phone call that her husband has been vaccinated. “Obviously, Mar

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    New Beatles Doc Gives Man Greater Appreciation For How Long 8 Hours Feels

    TULSA, OK—Saying the miniseries provided fresh insight into the subject matter, local man Barry Liptak, 43, told reporters Monday that Peter Jackson’s Get Back documentary gave him a much greater appreciation for how long eight hours feels. “Obvious

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    We Shouldn’t Have To Express Appreciation at Thanksgiving When It’s So Much Easier To Fake It at Christmas

    Each year, one holiday brings everybody back to their hometown as families gather to eat, drink, and hide their resentment towards one another through phony platitudes of positivity, or as they call it, "giving thanks." This Hallmark-adjacent holiday is c

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    Engagement Announcement Overshadowed by More Popular Couple Adopting Dog

    Newly engaged couple Daryl Stein and Hannah West are absolutely livid that their celebratory post got significantly less likes than their friend’s post announcing they rescued a dog.

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    Jeanine Pirro Cold Open - SNL

    Jeanine Pirro (Cecily Strong) discusses the Kyle Rittenhouse verdict and welcomes Donald Trump (James Austin Johnson) to discuss Biden’s Build Back Better in...

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    Judge Tells Rittenhouse He Hopes They Can Do This Again Sometime

    Judge Bruce Schroeder told acquitted murderer Kyle Rittenhouse he hopes they can "hang out again really soon" immediately following the not guilty verdict.

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    Weekend Update: Sarah Sherman Roasts Colin Jost - SNL

    Sarah Sherman stops by Weekend Update to discuss her first six episodes of SNL and roasts Colin Jost.Saturday Night Live. Stream now on Peacock: https://pck....

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    Ted Cruz Sesame Street Cold Open - SNL

    Senator Ted Cruz (Aidy Bryant) introduces his new show Cruz Street and its residents (Cecily Strong, Kyle Mooney, Pete Davidson, Alex Moffat, Mikey Day, Chri...

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    Facebook User Posits Vaccine that Killed Colin Powell Also Gave Him Cancer, Made Him 84

    Isaac Fischer took to Facebook this morning to posit that the COVID vaccine that killed Colin Powell had also likely given Powell cancer and made him 84 years of age.

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    Jordan Klepper vs. Iowans Who Think Trump Won | The Daily Show

    Who was behind the Capitol insurrection? Will Trump run in 2024? Has he actually been president this whole year? Jordan Klepper heads to his first Trump rall...

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    Stephen Colbert Presents: The Best Moments From 25 Years Of Fox News

    Our host has been a critic of Fox News for decades, so he's uniquely qualified to present this celebration of the conservative news channel's finest on-air m...

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    Bruce Springsteen Admits He Made Up the “American Working Class” During a Creative Dry Spell

    Legendary musician Bruce Springsteen recently admitted that he made up the “American working class” during a creative dry spell.

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    Nurse Carefully Weighs Whether She Better Off Getting Vaccine Or Losing Job And Dying

    UTICA, NY—Blasting state officials for putting her into such an “impossible position,” local nurse Sophia Wood confirmed Wednesday that she was carefully weighing whether she was better off getting the vaccine or losing her job and dying. “On the

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    We Sat Down With the Last Guy Who Still Calls People “Hipsters”

    The early 2010s were a much simpler time. People didn’t eat and breathe divisive politics, guitars could be found in mainstream music, and “Jersey Shore”…

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    News on the Dow Jones Would Terrify Man if He Knew What It Meant

    Local man Connor Goodman checked the stock market today and was too confused by what he read to feel any sense of rightful anxiety or dread.

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    Opinion: Let Me Tell You About Another White Guy Who Was “Out of Touch, Ignorant and Misinformed.” His Name was Jesus Christ

    I’m getting pretty sick and tired of all this guff I’ve been getting in the facebook conversations I insert myself into. It’s getting to the point where a man can’t point out the fact that Republican president Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves (and

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    Punk Mom Keeps Asking Daughter When She’s Going to Get Divorced

    A punk mom is putting pressure on her happily married 36-year-old daughter to get divorced before it’s too late.

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    Trump to Honor the Brave Men and Women Who Fought During the Upcoming Holyfield/Belfort 9/11 Fight

    Former president Donald Trump will commemorate the brave men and women who fought during the 9/11 boxing match between Evander Holyfield and Vitor Belfort.

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    Yet Again I’m the Only Cool Guy at This AA Meeting

    This is getting ridiculous. When I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, I thought it would be a cool bunch of people swapping stories about drunk driving and stealing from your loved ones. Just a whole bunch of McNulty's talking rock botto

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    We Sat Down With Body Modification Legend Jesus Christ

    Body mods have come a long way. Once a social oddity, it is now common to see piercings and tattoos on people in many walks of life. While we in the punk rock world have grown accustomed to these sights, it took many sacrifices by the people with their to

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    Anti-Vaxxers Bring The Crazy At Public Meetings In California

    The backlash against vaccine mandates was loud, proud, and downright troubling at the latest meeting of the San Diego Board of Supervisors. #Colbert #Comedy ...

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    God Works in Mysterious Ways That Somehow Always Reinforce What I Want To Believe

    God works in mysterious ways. That's why I don’t question God’s plan for me. I merely pick and choose from the parts of it that justify my incredibly narrow view of the world. That said, I will totally question God's plan for anyone who is e

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    New Rule: The Tragedy of Trump Voters | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

    Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1BBill calls on Democrats not to write off all Trump voters as deplorable and asks Republicans to con...

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    New Rule: The Big Liars | Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

    Subscribe to the Real Time YouTube: http://itsh.bo/10r5A1BUnremarkable people can get a remarkable life in Congress – and that’s what keeps the average Repub...

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    White vs Mexicans BBQ | MrChuy FT The Crazy Gorilla

    I, MrChuy, finally did a collab with the one and only The Crazy Gorilla! You guys all wanted it, and here it is! White Vs Mexican BBQs!! PART 2 IS NOW LIVE! ...

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    Scandal-Free Canadian Musician Releases Public Apology Just Because

    Canadian pop punk musician and overall good dude Jeremiah Dean released a public apology yesterday despite not being accused of any unacceptable behavior whatsoever.

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    School Of Hard Knocks Graduates Yet Another Class Of Racist Uncles

    Legendary ass-kicking institution, The School Of Hard Knocks, celebrated yet another graduating class of macho, non-PC, bootstrap puller-uppers this past weekend.

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    Study Confirms Best Way to Find Work Is to Remind Interviewer Your Father Was Deceased Senator John McCain

    A new study confirmed the best way to secure work is to remind the person interviewing you that your father is deceased US Senator and war hero John McCain.

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    Opinion: I Only Abuse Alcohol Recreationally

    I’d like to apologize to every single person who attended my surprise intervention. Had I known it was happening I would’ve brought a 30-pack and some ping pong balls and we would have had a blast. I apologize if my actions hurt you. But the good news

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    Nextdoor App Crashes as Neighbors Snitch on Their Own HOA BBQ Violations

    Neighborhood watch app Nextdoor crashed early this afternoon after users self-snitched on their own Fourth of July barbeque celebrations out of habit, according to sources.

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    Mom Wondering if You’ll Be Home for Fourth of July Barbecue or if You’ll Be Too Busy With Your Critical Race Theory

    Your Mom is wondering if you'll be home for her annual 4th of July barbecue, or if you'll be too busy with this critical race theory she keeps hearing about.

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    God Kills Rumsfeld as Apology for Whole Cosby Thing

    God ended the life of former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld today as a formal apology for the whole “letting Bill Cosby get away with raping dozens of women” thing.

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    Cop on “Jeopardy!” Shoots at Daily Double Laser Sound

    Popular game show “Jeopardy!” ceased filming mid-episode last week when contestant and off-duty police officer Jamie Boyd shot up the studio after being startled by the Daily Double laser sound effect.

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    How Am I Supposed To Keep a Plant Alive If I Can’t Even Keep a Kid Alive?

    As an elder millennial, I experience a lot of pressure to assume more responsibility that I may necessarily be ready for. Unfortunately, buying a house is out of reach with my minuscule income from testing VR porn video technology. But I had the idea of d

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    Police Academy Graduation Reminds Students It’s Been a Long Hard Six Weeks

    Cadets of the Chicago Police Academy were reminded of the exhausting six weeks of training they endured in order to become full-fledged police officers.

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    National Spelling Bee Slowly but Surely Running Out of Words

    Organizers of the National Spelling Bee expressed concerns this week after learning that the highly-regarded competition is in serious danger of running out of words eventually.

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    Opinion: Take It From Me, a Fictional Strawman Invented to Score Political Points: It’s Time to Get Back to Work

    Listen, everyone. We all know this last year of Covid-19 quarantine has been tough on everyone, and those extra hundos in unemployment have been helpful, but take it from, a fictional strawman invented to score political points: it’s time for us to get

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    Homemade Pipe Man’s First Apple in Decade

    Local stoner Lukas James accidentally tasted his first apple in over ten years last week after using it to construct a homemade smoking device.

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    Incredible: This Guy With a Goatee Never Heard of Disturbed

    Normally with goatee guys, certain behaviors are expected: drive past a school yard too many times, stalk your ex-wife, drink Coors light and listen to Disturbed in your car on lunch breaks. These are all hurtful stereotypes of course, but they have been

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    Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash

    Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute.

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    Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years

    Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.

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    Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?

    It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick $30 bucks. Whether its medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, Plasma - the portion of the blood that is used to fight disease

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    How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase

    Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies.

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    'Blue Lives Matter' Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security

    Mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for twenty minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast.

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    3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life

    I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here’s three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palest

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    Acoustic Performer at Vaccination Site Considered Worse than Outbreak

    Acoustic guitarist Harry “Wild Child” Kearns caused a mass evacuation from a local vaccine site with his terrible acoustic renditions of pop hits from the early aughts.

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    That Guy From 127 Hours Cuts His Arm off and He's a Hero, I Cut My Arm off To Collect Insurance Money and I'm a "Fraud"

    I can’t help but laugh at how hypocritical this country is. Everywhere I turn I see people saluting Aron Ralston as a hero just because a rock fell on his arm when he was hiking alone and he cut it off to save his own life, yet here I am fighting with m

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    Billy Corgan Wakes Up, Makes Coffee, Settles In for Another Day of Writing 5-Star Smashing Pumpkins Album Reviews on Amazon

    Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan made some coffee before launching into yet another day of writing 5-star reviews of his own works on Amazon.com.

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    28-Year-Old Just Getting Into Skateboarding Highly Overestimating Its Sex Appeal

    Local failure Max Kugler was reportedly sighted practicing his ollies at the Haledon Skate Park on Saturday night in a last-ditch effort to attract women.

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    Man Waits Until Haircut Finished to Interrupt Barber’s Right-Wing Rant

    A local man waited until his haircut was safely completed Thursday evening before attempting to stop to his barber’s hateful political tirade.